Sorry I have not posted for awhile. I was having a hard time with having my therapist gone for 3 weeks and it was difficult reading PC at that time.
I saw her last night for the first time since her vacation and it was actually ok. I was so anxious about going but when I got there we just small talked for awhile. I feel like I talked about a million different things (I did talk about a million different things ).
She wanted me to talk with her about what I was feeling when she was away because I told her I ended up calling my school counselor to meet with her when she was away. I told her it was just a lot of things. There is just so much going on. I even admitted to having feelings of not even wanting to talk with my family.

She said I really have to work on creating some boundaries with them because I am the one they always come to and it gets very overwhelming for me because I have things I am dealing with myself (although they don’t know that). I told her that I would have such a hard time doing that if anything ever happened to them. Especially after my moms death. She said she didn’t mean stop talking to them but to limit how often and what you talk about. She mentioned the word co-dependency. (I have always taken care of them, that was sort of my roll when I was younger because my parents were doing thier own thing)

I tried to talk with her about what was going on when she was away but I really couldn’t. I felt the tears well up and I knew I couldn’t go there. My school counselor did tell me she wanted me to talk to her about how I fear her quitting her private practice when she starts her new counseling job full time. So I got the nerve to do that, though it took quite awhile to actually spit the words out. It took somme coazxing from my T. She told me that was not her intention at all, that she loves her practice and plans to continue working 2 nights a week with the patient’s she has now. That she wants to work with me.

Again the tears were welling. I told her that if that were to happen, I wouldn’t go see anyone else because I couldn’t do this all over again. In my head I began to connect why this was such a big deal to me (but I didn’t tell her then). I was placed in foster homes a couple of times. My mom never returned when she was supposed to, and every day I would look out the window and ask if this was the day she was coming.

She told me she would return in 2 weeks but it ended up being a couple months. If my T were to stop seeing me it would feel like abandonment all over again to me, and to protect myself I couldn't allow it to happen again. I wouldn’t allow myself to get close to anyone. (I just sent her an email referencing some of this….now it can be addressed, though I am scared to really go there because yes, I will probably just sob.)

She talked some about me learning to work on feeling my anger (I direct it towards myself). I told her I don’t even know how, and that I would probably scare her away. She said that is what she is there for and that it’s safe to do it there, that we will work on that.

Anyways, we ended up going over by a half hour. I was happy that she did that with me.
She even shared with me about her therapist that she had seen years ago and how she had such a hard time when her therapist married and was away for a month. I actually loved that she did that, makes me see she is human.

I am so nervous about sharing about the foster homes via email. It’s like it takes me back to being a child again. I cried while writing it, it’s really crazy how much things can affect us and how we don't even realize it.