((((Hangingon))))

You are doing really well in being able to share some difficult things with your t. I have used email alot to say things i just can't talk about in session. Sometimes, it then opens the way to talk about it later.

I hear you saying that you want your t to know how you feel but that you are afraid to break down and cry in front of her. Is it because you feel that you shouldn't cry? Or because it makes you feel too vulnerable? With me, it's the fear of being vulnerable. I have this persistent belief that i should be a strong tower and not show any emotional hurting or needs.

I was sad to hear that your mom was not consistent in coming to see you when you were in foster homes. It is not hard for me at all to imagine you at the window, expecting, hoping, waiting, for her to come through the door. . .and then being hurt and disappointed when it didn't happen. I wasn't ever in a foster home, but i remember many times when my parents went out drinking that i'd stand at the window, just like you did, waiting for them to come home when they said they would. But they wouldn't be home. I'd start imagining all sorts of horrible things, like that they'd had a car accident and were lying dead somewhere. I'd feel panicked and sick to my stomach. Then much later, they'd stroll in like nothing was wrong, not even acknowledging that they were late or that i might be worried sick. I remember one time feeling so angry, but not feeling like i could say anything about it. I didn't feel i had the right to be angry since they were the parents. So i swallowed all the anxiety and fear and anger I'd felt. And i kept on doing it through all of my childhood in many other situations too.

Hangingon, I can't imagine how much worse it must have been for you to wait and hope, and then some days, your mom would not come at all. I'm sooooo sorry you had to feel this pain as a little girl.

I know that your t will accept what you tell her with caring and grace. I know it's hard to allow yourself to open up and let the grief and other feelings out. You probably never felt like it was OK to do it as a child. But it is OK to let all that pain that you've stored up come out -- maybe just a little bit at a time as you can tolerate it -- in your work with your t.

It's OK to give voice to your experience and your feelings now in the presence of your t. . .in the safety of the therapy room. You should have been able to express your pain as a child, and had help from adults to process all that pain. So many of us on PC didn't have that opportunity. Now we have alot of stuck and stuffed feelings that make our lives so difficult, and it just doesn't work to stuff it all down anymore. The pain and experiences from a long time ago are crying out to be heard. For once, there is somebody who wants to listen: our t. We just need to get to the point where we feel safe enough in their presence to let those long buried feelings come up.

I am sending you warm strength and cyber hugs.