Yeah, maybe that's it because it just makes everything seem so impersonal. And it's funny how just about everything with me always comes back to protecting love. I realize now that "unhealthy attachment" sets me off because the word "unhealthy" is used with the word "attachment", therefore the attachment is being labeled and not the behavior within it. And so I am protecting the attachment or protecting love...again.

"Transference" still gets to me even though I know why now. I have had feelings of love for my therapist for quite some time now. This love is largely pure and sweet and feels familial and unconditional. The romantic element is there, but only in the background. It is my "perfect love" that I found with him in the room. It is quite beautiful and the very best of me. Because of my family situation while growing up, love is really something to behold and treasure so the label has been very difficult and painful for me to take. I would be reading about it and come across the words "erotic transference" and my stomach would just turn. I think in the end I've come to realize that accepting my feelings for him to be partly transference would mean that I'd have to accept that I couldn't share them with him in any small way, even in thought. It is still difficult to have a dictionary spelling out your feelings when they are so pretty in nature. There is so much tied to the word that implies some kind of falsehood. It almost feels violating in nature for a word to be running around through the most beautiful part of yourself. It's almost as if it would tap at the door and I'd scream back "Hey, get out of here. This is private. This is between T and I. You can't come in." Love is a precious thing and everything always seems to come back to that for me.

Late at night ramblings...