It was my second to last session and he tried to get me to do some gestalt stuff but I just couldn't...he tried twice...I just can't look at him and experience the pain and the humiliation as i express stuff I should have told my father. F**k.
Anyway, he apologized for pushing me the second time. I don't mind being pushed, though, as long as I can put the brakes on when needed, which he always lets me do. I know if I catually do this my floodgates will open...and I'll tap into that whole other realm of me-ness that I never allowed before.
I feel like we're so close to really getting somewhere. Today was a really good session, despite the gestalt stuff, and he made so many parallels between my situation now vs then and it's all starting to make sense-how i am the way i am with my hubby. I feel like I DO need to get to the point where I can do the gestalt thing with him so I can feel the feelings and get over them/process them/whatever, but I'm just not ready yet.
And our last session is next week.
BUT-he says he would really like to continue with me if possible-he's looking into renting an office where I could see him privately, and he'd charge me only $25 (what i pay now) plus a bit extra to help with the office rental...
And if that doesn't work out, he wants to refer me to someone with more trauma-based experience. He said that in any case, he'll be my mental-health go-to person no matter what happens, so if I have a problem, or need to see someone, and it can't be him, then he'll get me what/who I need.
*******. It's weird to feel like someone would go to this effort for you...
He did mention that he doesn't have experience in this type of trauma therapy, but he;s helped me so much so far, I don't even care. And I really like him and trust him and don't want to go through all the disclosure s**t again with someone else. The way i see it, he needs the practice anyway.
Somebody has to be his first trauma client and he
is studying gestalt and jungian therapy which deals with trauma (that's why he's using me as his thesis project thingy
). He's not going to fu*k me up. I'm not that unstable, and I'm pretty resilient if I do say so myself.
I hope this all works out. I really really want to continue with him. Cross your fingers for me!
Sorry for the long post I just needed to talk about it, I think...