Had a really rough time at T today. Feel a mess. we talked about my family and my lack of self esteem and did an exercise for building my esteem. I have to do a writing project that we will go over next week. it pains me to work on self esteem. it eats me up. all my life i have been this left over not really worth anything. my parents did not want me and that i know as i was told so growing up. when i was 21 he told me flat out that if my brother had been born first i would never have been born. I was never allowed to cry or accepted the way that i am. my family does not know that i am gay and if they did they would probley dissown me. all this junk got dreged up today and i just want it to go away. as long as i dont think about me the better off i am. right now i just want to be numb. i have a writting assignment to work on and it is hard cuase i am not used to saying nice things about me. other people say nice stuff but i always think if they really knew the real me they would think different. it physically hurts to think nice things about myself. i just want to hide. my parents say they are proud of me but they always attach something great about my brother or his wife. I cant win just a bit of praise that is all my own. and even if i did i would not know what to do with it. i feel a need to punish myself and dont know why. i want to si and do what ever just to be numb. i just cant do this.

sorry to ramble
diana