I honestly don't think I can keep this up. I feel like I'm letting down everyone who's supported me the past 2-1/2 months, letting down every woman who hasn't had the courage to stand up for herself.

I'm tired.

Tired of being told that I don't and can't teach my kids.

Tired of being told I only expose them to life's fun.

Tired of being told if I continue this custody fight, I will lose, that my lawyer is not being truthful in telling me the inevitable outcome.

Tired of having my emotions used against me.

Tired of his Vulcan-like lack of emotions and thinking that logic will always prevail.

I'm tired of him putting a guilt trip on me, asking if I want the kids to remember this as a summer of fun or one of parental mudslinging that they can't understand.

If I answer his line of questions, yes, I am less structured, I am less of a disciplinarian, I don't understand middle school math (or anything beyond the basics), I do act first and think later. Does that mean I'm an unfit mother and if I continue to try and get more than 50% time with my kids that they will be taken away from me? I guess it does, in his line of thinking.

I'm scared.

Scared that he's right.

Scared that I'll lose my kids.

Scared that I'll get myself too deep in debt to recover.

Scared that every negative thing he's said about me is true.

Because I couldn't be his unwavering cheerleader, his chameleon, because I couldn't fake a perfect marriage, couldn't fathom his beliefs, because I'm not someone he would be friends with now, I'm a person to be ground into the dirt, someone to defeat like one of his political viewpoint foes.

I don't understand. I can't understand.

If I drop the fight, it will be one more thing he can say I never finished. It will reinforce his belief that if he exerts enough pressure I will crumble. If I drop the fight, my daughter will have to continue to live with a father she is afraid of and dislikes more and more every day. I will lose a little bit more of my dignity. I will be saying "you were right and I was wrong" again.

If I keep up the fight, I might lose everything.