Quote:
Originally Posted by paddym22
kk101
The picture you paint is not a happy one, I am truly sorry. I have no real words of wisdom to offer but friendship and understanding I have plenty. I do indeed understand well the situation you are in as I was brought up in a very rural, conservative society and it was very difficult. I hated myself only because everyone seemed to hate me so I guessed that was the right validation for myself. However this hatred I soon realised through the help of a very good therapist was actually anger incorrectly expressed. The fact that your mother outed you to your local community must have been very challenging and dismaying at such a young age....how could you cope to be betrayed like that, it would appear perfectly natural to me that you would be angry.
Your two relationships were both difficult, it would seem that they were very much sexual in nature and in the end unrequited, it is perfectly natural to feel lonely and isolated even if you lived in a big cosmopolitan city. You come across as a well thought out and sound person, you justify this by showing no bitterness towards your friend and would never out him, which says a lot about you.
I got out, that was my way out. I moved to a big city thankfully at a young age and eventually got involved in the gay scene and found a safe and welcoming environment that validated me and I could then deal with my anger and lack of self respect.
No, you are not a woman trapped in a mans body, you are and sound 100% male. You are a good person who has been dealt a few bad cards in life. I cant advise you what to do, short of taking a few breaks from your environment and visiting more welcoming areas where gay life is the norm and just feeling like who you really are. Your age means nothing, I am 44 and I am looking forward to many more years so dont say that you are past it. Life does begin at 40!! Gay people do live mundane ordinary life just like anyone else, but it is easier to do so in a less hostile environment.
You have made a good start to post here, I suspect deep down inside you dont really hate yourself but are a frightened and deeply misunderstood person who has never been able to express the real person that you are.
I am here so please PM me anytime, I am here to listen.
Paddy  |
Thank you Paddy I am hoping to move someday in the next year to a larger city with my best friend and though scary I am barely able to stand the existance of the like drone of the a 'statford wive's' type of person, except opressed and wish to decided that if in several years back I have been more unfittin in with the folks of the rural life of crap.
Soon, Soon , very soon the good things are going to come towards all people like you and all here that are kind nice and not so much of all, I am not sure about having a level head on my shoulders, just that there is something on my neck with hair and a reflection in the mirror that looks a bit older than it did just a few moments ago.
In physical years I might be 486 years old but in all I am ready for my best friend and I and the Hula girl on the dash to hit the highway of traveled dreams even if no known immediate destination is or known.
I am tired and thank you and hope that nothing said was insulting as it was not at all intended at all. I am a bit retarded very mildly or develpmetnally disabled or you get the drift I hope.
Peace out and thanx again kk101