Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate your replies. I hope they help.. but more likely I'm wasting everyone's time again.
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Is there someone you can reach out to?
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No, unfortunately there isn't.
In fact, I've tried to talk to someone many times.. It was pretty long time ago. My parents didn't get me - they just said I wasn't depressed and to stop being a crybaby. I went to therapist with my SO who then started seeing someone else and never called me again (was T's advice btw). Then I lost two friends trying to reach out to them and two more thought I was all negative and weird. Now that I avoid driving they don't really want to see or hear me. I was everyone's free taxi cab and rollercoaster. Co-workers.. some of them are nice to me but my boss thinks depressed people are dangerous. I heard him saying really bad stuff about person with mental problems. Stigma is still very strong here.. I hate this ****d up place.
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Could it be that you need a meds change? Or a doc change?
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I'm not on meds or in therapy - terrified of local docs and hospitals. But I understand that I would benefit from therapy and antidepressants.. just as from euthanasia or brain transplant.
this next part can trigger (SI)
I'm not asking for advice - they are just thoughts.
I used to cut, burn, pierce etc. at younger age. I'm worn out, losing hope. Urges came back suddenly. Can't stop but think that it would actually help, although it's clearly a trap.. on second thought, everything is. If everything goes swimmingly, I might even get it over with.. and stop being a burden.
There is also a chance that someone will notice and help me. Very original. Right.
