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Originally Posted by sunrise
This sure sounds hard Christina. What does your therapist suggest as a way to deal with all of this? Do you two have a plan of attack?
Think of the different people in your family. Do you think that all of them would prefer not to know this? What if they did know--would any of them say "I wish I had known" or "thank you for telling me." Sometimes I think we worry too much about the fallout from our actions. If it is ruining your life because you are keeping this a secret from your family, then maybe you do need to tell at least some of your family members. Then let them handle it as they need to. Of course I don't know your situation at all, but it could be that family members would want to know, Christina, rather than live in ignorance with some abuser guy.
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Sunrise - I don't know what the "plan of attack" is. I think my family is dysfunctional and can't deal with anymore issues. Maybe when I'm better able to deal with it myself. Unfortunately, he's got a lot of issues and my family has basically ignored them up to this point (his depression, controlling nature, and alcoholic problems for starters).
Quote:
Originally Posted by MissCharlotte
Hi (cristina)
I have found that dealing with "everything else" as you call it is as healing, if not more so, than dealing with the actual "events" head on. I think this is because when we are abused it effects all aspects of our lives. I think you should just follow your heart and know that the rest will come when you are ready--and it sounds like that might be soon! In the meantime, maybe you can get a little "box" IRL. --- Like a shoebox or something and write down stuff and put it there to keep until you are ready. This way you can clear your body of the toxic nature of holding onto it.
Anyway--just some ideas. I think you are doing fabulous!
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MissCharlotte - great idea
I like the idea of having a box... I've got boxes for everything else in my life to keep things organized, this sounds like a good thing to do. I do think I need to deal with "everything else", but it kinda feels like I'm a ball of string, dealing with an issue just unravels something else and it seems rather... never ending.
Quote:
Originally Posted by treehouse
Hey (((((((((((((((Christina))))))))))))))))))))
Can you let your guard down enough to NOT "need to grow up"?
This stuff is hard. You are doing good work. It just sucks, there's no way around it. But you are doing it.
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Treehouse - Ummmmmmmm... but everyone in my life constantly tells me to grow up. Mostly my family. I don't like my family and their abuse of me.
Growing up is hard. I'm 23, I don't feel grown up. I don't really always act like it either... letting my guard down, well that's a big hurdle all in itself...
Quote:
Originally Posted by exoticflower
Christina,
You are WAY too hard on yourself! You will deal with stuff when you are ready to, even if it takes 5 more years. I think you will know when you are ready, there is no official timeline on how long things are suppose to take in therapy. I like what Treehouse says, she is so right on!
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exoticflower - I don't think I can live another five years dealing with this... my finances wouldn't support it.
I wish I had enough "control" to put it to a timeline, but you're right... I am definitely my hardest critic.
Quote:
Originally Posted by skeksi
Like you, Christina, I get so frustrated with myself for not moving through things faster/better/whatever. It's another way to blame myself and not look at the abuse. It's not deliberate, it's like a fails-safe I have in place to protect myself. I agree with exotic, we deal with these things in our own time. I know I am taking much longer--years longer!--than I thought I would. But I also feel really good about being ble to take things at my own pace. That's never been allowed before.
Take care. You're doing the work even when you're not talking explicitly about the abuse. There are many, many layers to it, and a lot of it is outside stuff like home and work. You're working on the abuse, and when you're ready to talk about it directly, you will. Trust in yourself.
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skeksi - Ahhhhh, the issue of blame.
I really am good at blaming myself. So many layers of stuff to deal with, so little time??
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Originally Posted by phoenix7
((((((((Christina86)))))))
T says the adult part of me has to turn up and help the child part - take over and stand up to the abuser - am trying to do this - you are travelling a hard road and it takes as long as it takes.
Its ok to hate the abuser - especially if you havnt allowed yourself to hate them before - jmo again but i think somtimes you have to acknowledge the anger and rage from the event to mprocess it and move past the fear into understanding and possible forgiveness.
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Phoenix - "it takes as long as it takes". I like that.
I'm stuck on the issue of hate... a lot. I don't like him, I do sometimes hate him. But it never sticks, because I get caught up in the issues of revenge, and forgiveness and all that mumbojumbo. Forgiveness is good? Necessary? I dunno.
Quote:
Originally Posted by peaches100
Hi Christina,
I want you to know i read your post and would like to think about it some before responding. But i definitely feel your struggle and pain about the SA stuff. It's hard, hard stuff. Hang in there!
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I took forever to think of appropriate responses to people here... things work out in their own time? I think so... at least sometimes. Whether or not I like it, of course.
Quote:
Originally Posted by googley
Don't worry about your age and dating. It will come when you are ready (at least that is what my T says).
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I like that from your T.
I need to realize most stuff doesn't work on a schedule, even if I'd like it to because of my controlling tendencies.