Hi everyone,

I'm new at this (posting, not the website) though I read the forums all the time.

I have PTSD with a problem of dissociation that stems from some trauma growing up. In my particular family I grew up with a mother who had untreated schizophrenia and a father who had bipolar with psychosis (was stable half of the time, once he got SSDI to pay for meds).

I've read a lot of stuff about PTSD and child abuse, however I was wondering if there are any resources on child abuse/mistreatment by mentally ill parents. For example, I have a very strong fear of my mother, absolutally 100% cannot see her and have only recently become more okay with hearing her voice on the phone. I've experienced very scary and bad things with her, however she really does love me. When bad things happened, it stemmed from her delusions or fears. When she was okay, she loved me and was nice. However the line could move within seconds. It's really hard to think of my mother both as someone I am so afraid of and as someone who truly loves me.

Also, does anyone have the experience where no childhood memory is good? I don't have very many, but even the ones that should be good (at a playground or a park) are terrible because I feel like I'm trapped again and with someone who could hurt me. I feel really attention seeking and stupid when my therapists asks me to think about some good memories as a child and I say there aren't any.

Thank you all for reading this, I really admire all of you, you all are very very strong.