on saturday i was feeling alone and wanted to go out to play some pool with some friends so i went to my home chapter of the American Legion, hadnt been there since the 4th of July... its not like i have real, real friends there but i know some peoples names and ive played pool with them before...

i got there at 1230 in the afternoon and at first only had a few beers but after awhile i decided it was more cost effective to order pitchers... some guys i knew came over and sat down with me and started telling me some stories aboout there rough lives.. i listened because i have this principal of loving and caring for everyone, believing that we all have some seed of goodness within and i thought if i really tried i would be able to find that connecting point between people where we each feel a little hurt and find some way to bandaid it together... that feeling always makes me feel like the world is getting better, even if it only a little at a time and even if we all go backwards sometimes...

it wasnt long into the conversation and i knew i was in over my head.. the talk was a bout some domestic violence that happened in the past to the guy and i did my best to validate his feelings and show him the good ways he had managed the situation, but inside i was feeling like..... run! another guy was telling me how he had been questioned by the police for taking clothes from the clothing donation box... he thought he was in the right being a person of need himself... it was really hard not telling him what i really thought about it... a few more beers and i settled down and i told myself this is kind of life like usual for them and i figured if i just befriended them, then in time i would gradually drop in some healthier ideas for them to think about and before long we'd all be on the right track together...

the beers kept coming and the talk got rougher, some bad jokes and i was needing another beer just to tolerate everything that was being said...

eventually i got up and tried to get away from them by playing myself some pool but they followed and so, a few more beers and putting on the jukeox, i began tuning them out a little more but no matter how i tried, everywhere i turned, they were still there...

its about the 400th time ive been in this situation, trying to reach out and connect with others, trying to be healthier than i am, stronger than i am, trying to pull myself and a group of lost souls together in some kind of human way, even tho we all have problems from our pasts tripping us along our way, experimenting with my love all hypothesis and not wanting to accept that it wouldnt somehow succeed in the end..

well, for about the 400th time i concluded that something just wasnt working...

for about the 400th time i felt the pain of the beer hangover, the empty place in my heart afterwards of knowing that somehow, love all wasnt working for me, maybe it was for them, but not me...

i just cant be around that kind of humor, the insulting, cutting others down kind, hey, i just went there to enjoy a few games of pool....

i was talking with my gf ( i love you muffy, ty for being there) and explained it all to her again, how i had developed a serious case of dissociation sometime in life and love all was my cure and thats why i fear to go nowhere, faith that God will protect, and since im still breathing, i think God has done his part, but many times i feel like the plan has flaws, i feel like people just dont understand and i feel disconnected, left out again, and still missing real human connection...

in rebuilding myself i began at the beginning, removing from fault and blame all others around me, forgiving and starting fresh again, with a kind of dumb innocence that if i just took the chances, God would guide the way, and he has...

ive come to the conclusion that some people just cant be reached, arent ready to be reached and that sharing alcohol and discussing the real problems of the world or myself or ourselves is the slow method to healing, sometimes causing as many problems as it resolves and that if i really really want to truly connect with others, there is a better way...

i pray for each of us daily and hope this makes some kind of sense