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eskielover · Jul 27, 2009, 02:16 PM

My initial comment is one that I have experienced myself....I was 22 when I got married, in the process of getting my degree (which I did accomplish). I went from living at home with parents & the values I had developed, to being married....living with my husband who I found out I didn't respect his valued before we got married, & it went into the way I wasn't willing to allow him to control any part of my life once we were married......What a mess that turned out to be.....led to a lot of fighting. We stuck together for 33 years however about year 26, I moved out for a few months & when I came back, went into my own part of he house & wouldn't have anything more to do with him. I still believe that marriage is marriage & there is no taking on outside relationships......no matter what. But the fact was that he had never grown up & never understood financial responsibility. I had values that I ended up letting slide when it came to finances & we both had our careers....stupid on my part.

He was a nice guy......but his values were just all messed up & he never knew how to be responsible financially.....decided that he didn't have to do anything in the marriage that he wasn't good at which was only going to work & bringing money home.....like I couldn't do that & ended up having to do everything else.....with a battle when he didn't like it.

The bottom line was that he never knew who he was or what real values he needed to have to really survive in this world....We have a daughter after year 2 of the marriage....another sore subject in the marriage as he thought I would just put my degree on hold.....that meant war & an overreaction on my part since I had gone into the marriage letting him know that under no conditions would that happen.

Many years we stayed together because we couldn't financially afford to separate or divorce.....even now we can't afford to divorce, but when my Mother died, I took my money & made my own life moving across the country. Best thing I ever did. I finally had a chance to know myself & get my values back in place. I was able to get back in touch with my religion & it has become the center of my life....seeing where my real values all along were there with my religion, but they had become too materialistic as I got caught up in my husband's values rather than my own.

Sounds like you both have done a lot of mistakes in your lives also.....as we all do. Sometimes it becomes necessary to just get out of where we are......separate completely & rediscover the self we have lost over the years. Your husband never getting through the loss of his wife & never having to become responible for himself & his children.....your swooping in there to be the guardian angel feeling bad for the children......all not good things to base a relationship on before everything needed to be sorted out on his part. Sometimes our best intentions aren't really the best thing to do in reality.

Under no circumstances does anyone have to go outside the marriage to get their needs met.....they can live without those needs being met...nothing in the world says it's a requirement in life to have those needs met......it only adds to messing up things worse.......& making a larger can of worms you end up dealing with.

I think when you first had problems, the separation should have happened then, giving each a chance to learn who you were.....being that didn't happen, it only created deeper sores that probably will never be healed. However, all things are possible....

I think the only chance there is of anything being solved is to separate & have each of you take several years to figure out where exactly you are with yourselves. Only then can you see if there is anything really there between you when you have spent the time alone. I have found that I would never go back to living with anyone let alone going back to my husband.....at least now I can have a civil phone conversation without yelling at the smallest thing he says......I would never go back to living with him, but at least I don't dislike him the way I did. He knew every button to push & loved pushing them just because. It was the best & only right thing I did in the marriage was to leave. We both realize that now too. He wasn't willing to make the changes necessary for the marriage to work, but he didn't want the marriage to end even though it had ended years before I left. We will never be able to afford to get divorced...too much debt that is sitting around not able to be dealt with...huge medical bills & a few CC debt in collection he foolishly didn't know how to handle when I lost my career. Can't afford to sell the house because of the lower value....would loose everything we have & would come out with nothing & no money to live on......so better for him to have that house & me have mine. He doesn't have his career anymore either, so no money. He can't spend what he doesn't have so I don't worry too much about his doing something stupid anymore.

Sadly, he didn't know how to be a partner in the marriage.....he didn't know how to be a husband either......& he really didn't know how to be a person with any common sense.....not at all the kind of person I needed to be married to & have any feelings for.....can't love someone I don't respect.....

We all need to know ourselves before ever taking ourselves into any relationships.....sadly, too many people say "love is blind" only to become unblind a few years later & see the person they really married. We have to see up front who they are & we need to live only with what is reality.....now what we pretend reality to be.....only then can there really be a true successful loving relationship that....which is what a marriage then can be based on. It has nothing to do with sex..it has everything to do with just liking to be around the person for who they are.

Hope this can give some ideas of what is needed to be done......one never really does know when they separate.....they might just find that after they know themselves, that they really do belong together.....but you never know if you don't know yourself first.

Best wisher for your future....both of you.
Debbie