Thankyou for your reply. it really does mean a lot.
I have... tunnel vision, right now. I literally cannot see anything other than this feeling and i cant physically try to put it on a strangers face - its selfish and awful but i cant think of anything other than myself right now.

I just read some stuff i wrote a year and a halfish ago...
and its not me
it really is a stranger
so idiotic, so stupid, so juvenile. so pathetic.... and a different kind to that that i am now.
i hate my happy self...
and now the thoughts and memories and struggles of school are flushing back and i cant take it.

this right now is me... illness has made me what i am and i feel that this pain doesnt ever pass and this is how forever is etc etc.

feeling... physically sick.
i want it to stop
i want relief.

i think im going to ask my t for medication to help me sleep... but i dont know if its a definite no to under 18s..

my heads... messy
sore
i feel physically sick.

i just want to be left alone to die. pathetic, right?
i wont harm again. i will leave the razor be. and the pills... well its one in the morning and all od-able ones are in my parents room.
so im...
desperately wanting to do it
and im so stuck that i cant.