I've been incredibly depressed again today. Then I got to reading my journal and found that except for 4-5 days scattered about, I've been pretty damned depressed for the past month. I mean, I knew it, but I didn't know how extreme it was until I read my journal entries.

I hate to cry, but I did get tears in my eyes several times today for no apparent reason, just emotionally feeling horrible. I tried to distract myself all day with various things. I cooked dinner. I played my video game. I watched recorded programs. I responded to a few threads. But still, I feel hopelessly depressed and like my life has no meaning. I'm ruining the planet just by existing. I don't want to hurt an insect or a plant or a sea animal just because I have to eat and drink and I produce waste and garbage.

If there were a pill, a shot, anything to take this horrible leaden feeling away, I would take it. But there isn't. There's something wrong with me and I'm incurable and no one wants to help me. All they say is "wait, wait, wait." But things don't get better. They just hide and lurk and wait to **** me over again. Something early in my childhood destroyed me. I would like to go back in time and destroy it, but I can't. They should let people like us just go away. Quietly disappear into the jungles or forests or deserts. I want to get on a plane and never speak to another person I know again. Everything reminds me of the hurt. No distance is far enough. I don't know what a breakdown is like, but I feel like giving up. I've held everything together for so long and no one listens. Everyone else's problems are more important than mine. And so I'll go away and they'll be better off. My depression sucks life out of other people, not just me. There are no more pills. I'm hopeless.

Don't worry, I'm not going to do anything. I'm just expressing how I feel. I'll sleep on things as usual. Just don't know how much longer I can take feeling so bad.