Why did I try to go back to work too soon? Why did I trigger myself today? Pushed myself to try to work today and now I've devastated myself emotionally. Why did I do this to myself? I should have known better. I told my pdoc I was going to take the Summer off to help in my healing, but I just couldn't stay out of my company's business. Now I'm back in bed.

I'm beginning to understand that pdoc is right and that my PTSD stems from a long list of events which started back in 1997...vexacious litigation, losing my home, almost losing my business, my husband losing all of the assets he earned over a 10 years period because lawyers sold them off behind our backs, my family being stalked and terrorized by one of my customers (he's a scam artist that does that for a living), and the list could keep going. I thought my PTSD was just from being terrorized but apparently that was just the straw that broke this camel's back.

How am I ever going to overcome this? I am so scared right now. I wasn't even trying to work a full day...just needed to train a new person on a few procedures...had a complete meltdown (thank GOD not in front of my new and wonderful employee and my hubby was there to take over). I know I'm very fortunate that I'm able to control my outbursts and meltdowns from people in my personal life that might not be able to understand PTSD but I'm so tired of them...they wear me out as I'm sure they do everyone else. God am I sorry that people have to go through this. Why can't we all just heal.

I need some help today, I feel like I'm drowing in my emotions. Can't get them under control. I can't even identify what they are right now through all of the tears and freight. I know I'm just rambing and I apologize, but I'm lost right now and need to find a way home.