Quote:
Originally Posted by BNLsMOM
I just don't want to have bipolar. I had three good days and then today I was frustrated and angry. It's all I can do to get my kids aout of the house and I am ruining their childhoods. Part of this is social anxiety and I think I have developed agorophobia. My T-doc and I are working on this, but I don't like to go places because it is too hard/scary. I don't like to be with people because I am scared of most of the people I know or don't know, there are certain stores I won't go to, certain coffee shops I will only go to if they have a drive thru, and only certain gas stations I will go to because I am uncomfortable going to others. I only feel good at certain restaurants, so I miss out on the tiny bistros.
I just want to wake up one day and say to my kids, "Let's go to the..." and not feel like I am going to go out of my mind trying to get there or freak out if I do get there. What a sad life for them. No friends over for them or anything.  |
Hey.....trust me i TOTALLY feel your frustration......my kids and myself went thru everything you described as they were growing up,and i was first dx
.How old are your kids.....or if you dont feel comfortable saying that,thats ok.My illness manifested when my kids were 15,10 and 5. My oldest and my only son,pretty much said my illness ruined his childhood/teenage years.Unfortunately as the oldest,i think i depended on him way more than i should have,to help me with alot of things around the house and babysitting,etc.....he,i believe (and has never been officially dx with this....has some form of some type of antisocial disorder)He of course blames me but i have tried over and over again to explain to him that my illness was out of my control.Now,at 18,he still doesnt understand and still holds many grudges towards me.We have a awakward relationship,not anywhere the kind of relationship i wish i would have with him.I hope as he grows older he will learn to understand this horrible illness that i have been "cursed" with....now my 13yr old(was 10 when i was dx) sorta blames every crazee wierd thing i do on "being bipolar".....i hope she too will learn that this illness is not with me by choice and alot of times it is very, VERY hard for me to function "normal"and control myself from going off the deep end emotionally or screaming my head of at her.My youngest who is now 8,just seems to pick up alot of the stuff she hears from her older sister,and i know she hates that i sleep as much as i do ("mom.....you slept in till noon again today!!!!") but hopefully now that i am somewhat "stable" hopefully i can raise her right and as "normal" as possible,along with her sister.Please,please.....i certainly didnt tell you all this to frighten you or anything.Hopefully your kids are young enough and i am sure you will have a grasp on things as you continue to raise them.And of course,you and I are different people,so that there too is something that you need to look at when you read about my situation and yours.I wish i would have had some sort of outlet as this forum,3 years ago.....it would have helped me from trying to get better all on my own (well.....alone in my mind anyway) and i would have really liked knowing that there was someplace to talk to people who knew exactly what i was talking about or going thru.Hugs to you.....keep your chin up......and when you need to vent just c'mon and post....we are all here to listen
