((((((((((( Wendy )))))))))))

I don't think I made any concsious effort to carry a grudge, it came to my attention just recently that I never really resolved any feelings about her. I closed off that part of my life, neither remembering or feeling the anger. Until now, I hadn't thought about what her role had been in my life or how it contributed to the outcome. I developed an apathy for her and all those memories.

Reawakening the experience, my anger has boiled to the surface. It's not an anger at the world though, it's directed to her and what came after because of how she'd been. It'd be challenging to track every skewed perception I created due to my experiences with her, but there'd have to be many. Self-denial is only one example. Feeling attacked when disagreed with is still another. Feeling selfish about having my own feelings fits in there. Afraid to defend myself is still another. I didn't even have to think hard to come up with those as starting points.

The idea of forgiving and moving on is one I've tried to apply in life. For some things, it's harder than others. We can't forgive if we don't understand what happened. If we forget and forgive, as I've tried to do, we really learn no lessons. Forgetting and forgiving may work if the insult was from someone unimportant to the development of our character and might be the best way to deal in certain circumstances, but I can't make it work for this situation. Too much damage was done.

I'm not suggesting that you've suggested we simply forget and move on. I'm only clarifying why I need to retrace what happened to the best of my ability before I can forgive and before I'll feel I've learned anything from it. Even if I could give blanket forgiveness, which I'm capable of, I'd want to undo the hurt. That's the purpose of this thread for me. Face the dragon, glean the lesson, learn appreciation, use it's lesson. In a word, redemption.

We hurt and went though pain and wasted time, but was that time really wasted?

My original tagline here was the line from the Eagles song "Wasted Time." "Maybe someday we will find, it wasn't really wasted time."

My experiences are uniquiley my own. I believe the saying that everything is unfolding exactly as it should. If I could choose a different fate, would I? The answer is no. I believe every set of circumstances in life comes with it's own set of challenges. The choice is still ours to avoid or confront. What each of us learns from these challenges is the message we've been asked to deliver to those who come behind us. These are the messages I've been selected to deliver.

Would you choose to be you without that experience or would you rather be who you are?

Prior to my fall, I saw a life ahead filled with possibilities. There were no obstacles in my view. How realistic was that? Wouldn't the fall have happened in some form or another eventually? What are the possibilities my life could have turned out worse? A crippling accident, the Twin Towers disaster, or any number of terrible fates which have happened to others? I think I'll take what I've been given. It's most familiar to me and even though it hasn't been what I foresaw before, it's uniquiley mine and I've learned to love my positive attributes despite my shortcomings.


"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius