Hi BNLs. Sorry you're going through it. Feels like it won't ever end, right? I'm still thinking that too, although I feel less bad than I did the past 2 days.

I too worry about being a horrible parent. First I thought it was my genes that were ****ed because of all the problems in my family and relatives. Then I thought, I'll adopt. Then I realized that most of the kids available for adoption had serious problems. Then I realized, oh yeah, I've got serious problems too. Like depression! Now that I know I have bipolar, I'm scared I'll never be able to have that parent-child relationship in any shape or form.

The way I look at it is every parent makes mistakes. Some are too strict, others too lax, etc. The issue is on the child after a certain age. Say 22, although there is no fixed number. Whenever the kid moves out on their own, it is up to them to seek help for their neuroses. Case in point. My brother, 3 yrs older, has refused to seek any help for his drug and alcohol and bizarre behavioral problems. He blames his entire bad life (and bad choices) on my parents. I had the same childhood as he did, but I internalized most everything instead of lashing out. I observed and tried to learn what not to do from him and others instead of causing more pain.

In my 20s I realized I has some heavy things to work out, and not all of them were my parents' "fault." So I started to try to get help. It was only after the hospital incident that I stopped toying around with it and went full force into medications, therapy and understanding how to get well. I feel like I'm barely beginning the process at age 30, but my brother could still get well too if he decided A) I have big problems and B) It's time to stop blaming everyone else and get help for ME. He's currently living with my parents (total co-dependent relationship) after having lived on his own for 3 years but not really growing up b/c he used other people as well when he wasn't living w/them. It's like he wants to blame my parents for his mistakes, yet take all of their financial support while he's cursing them to their face. My parents feel guilty and so it goes. You don't want to go there with your kids. It's up to them to choose how and who they want to be in this world after you've done your very best. And we're all handicapped in some way by our parents when we ourselves become parents.

The only poor choice you could make is ending your life. And I know you don't want to hurt your kids that way. Having them be angry at you is one thing, but suicide of a parent greatly increases the risk of a child one day doing the same deed. It's uncertain if this is mainly genetic (eg. mood disorder passed down) or environmental, but I suspect it's both.

Your kids are better off with you. Don't forget that. The way I look at it, I'd rather (if I had kids) have them blame me for everything wrong with their life than to not have me around to even question "Why were you like that when I was younger?" And when you're both adults, I think healing is possible as you soberly explain that you didn't want to hurt them ever and your brain chemistry caused you so much suffering you couldn't think straight at the time.

Those are my thoughts, but as usual I went too long. I should get ready for work. Just thinking a little more clearly this morning. It will get better. That's what everyone says.