Well, I get told to not hold in frustration, I have done it for 10 years, so here goes. I never rant and feel odd for doing it

Start of rant.

Well, yet again. I have always felt as though a relationship on any level with the business, the time restraints it causes and social issues I suffer would be impossible at best. It always starts with myself overly reserved, reluctant to engage in anything more than short social talk. I feel like a selfish idiot even considering more, even hanging out. I may be blind but I swear I am very upfront with my time issues and practical inability to engage the public at times. One thing leads to another, usually a very warm hand is held out, sincere understanding from the other. Things feel good. A possible light at the end of a dark tunnel. My head tells me it is not true. I have been through it a dozen times. At first all caring and understanding, in the end, expectations and new desires.

I feel like a looser, manipulated and lied to. I was told “It's ok, I understand” which was BS. Talking leads to hanging out at small intervals, which lead to more frequent visits. I felt concerned and again re explained my situations. “Its ok,” BS. I sensed that feelings were being developed and expressed concern for how that would turn out, I was told “don't worry, I can handle myself” BS. I was actually laughed at when I said, “don't fall for me, I am not in a good place in my life for that.” I was assured it would never happen. I felt like a fool for saying it but felt I had to be honest. I suggested a friendship only, you know, coffee and tea..lol, retarded.

Ever notice how people ONLY hear the stuff they want? Out of the 99 times of 100 you explain something someone, they will hear the 1 time of 100 where you are feeling confident and having a good day, and say it a little different. If I have a good day and decide to actually attempt a social outing, does that mean I am cured, heck no. Should it be held against me for the rest of my life? Am I wrong for trying? It seems as though it only makes me out to be a phony lair who uses excuses for not wanting to do stuff. I am sick and tired of people pretending to give a #%^ about me and trying to understand my situation only to get tired of caring and throw it all in my face when they want more.

I am time restrained, just because I find time one week for a few hangouts does not mean its all of a sudden a set in stone routine. The ONE and only ONE time I say, “I am sorry, I will need a rain-check” all of a sudden I am “impossible” and “distraction will be sought elsewhere” seriously... I don't get it. Every frigging time. I swore I would not let anyone near me, because of this. After years I finally let my guard down and it happens again. Serious attachment from them, ongoing heightened expectations, etc... WORST part, if anyone saw my post about actually going to a public show? It was teh same person who kept all my issues in mind and did more than anyone has ever done to make it comfortable... but I guess over time people change?

I mean what the heck, I make it VERY clear that I am an absolute LOOSER who is by no means in ANY way capable of a relationship. My problems DONT mesh well with it. I don't understand, I cant even have a friend who is female with out them “falling for me” whats the deal? I look at it like someone deciding they want to go on a road trip and picking a dresser drawer as the means for transportation.... it ain't going to get you far! I am no gem, (diamond in the rough maybe ) I don't cut my hair, don't shave, I am always in work clothes.... I try to hide behind these things to be as unappealing as I can. I do everything in my power to make these things clear.

AAAAArrghh.

I always hear, “you just have to find someone who understands and is ok with it” Well, I lay it out there every time and get lied to every time. Others say I should seek others in the same situation, I find that seriously funny, unless there is an online site where people who don't do public and have social anxiety meet to fall in love, cant see it happen. We live in seclusion, don't venture far, so its not an option. I mean yeah, I would like that, but its not like I go looking for a girl, not at all. It would be one thing if I was blindly seeking love with some delusional thought that people will learn to love and understand me... lol, thats not how it is...

Its not like I am even loosing a girlfriend or anything, its just the whole situation that bothers me.

I am tired of it, my walls are back, 100 feet tall, and I am going to take a coarse on how to be a jerk, might as well get called one the first day rather than the last after I waste my time and theirs by believing the BS they say.

Ok, end or rant.

Nope I fibbed.

I have a scary talent for controlling my attachment emotions and all that. I understand that others don't. I do not blame others for developing feelings. I DO realize that some people cant help it, I understand that even though I am how I am and I am also upfront with issues etc... does not mean that they will never develop attachment. I get that, but, it is not logical OR practical to get attitude with me because they change and I cant over night.

Ok end, for real.