My therapist spoke to her today. She's still sticking to her guns claiming she consulted the "best psych doctor in the valley" about my case. I actually know of one far better than he who has gotten national recognition, so she's full of ****. He may be good, but not that good.

The sucky part in this endlessly sucky tale is that her supervisor will not be overriding her present drug prescription/conconction. Why? Some idiot failed to tell me that A) the p-nurse has gone out of town and B) her sup will not do anything until she's consulted with the nurse face to face.

So now I have next to no options. I'm not asking that they change any of the ones I'm on. I'm asking for something to help them. I'm so tempted to pull out all my past prescriptions and start taking one of them just for the hell of it since I couldn't feel much worse. Instead, I'm drinking until I don't feel this way. I hate to self medicate when on all these drugs, but they've given me no option. If the choice is between winding up in the hospital after having done something impulsive and getting numb with booze, I know which option I'm taking.

I'm not letting her win this one. Her theory is wrong and were it anyone else she might have killed them by now by her stubbornness. Just because my depression/anxiety/PTSD, etc. is difficult to treat doesn't mean you at some point give up trying new things. She wants to get rid of me because she doesn't know what the hell else to do and she's succeeded. I never want to see her sorry *** again. She may be nice and smile while she's not helping, but after a certain point it lost its charm. I gave her so many chances too. I'm not mean spirited. 13 months I've given her and if anything I feel worse than when I started. I get more regular sleep, but depression and invasive thoughts are worse than ever.

I HATE INEPTITUDE and SMUGNESS and people who are so convinced they're RIGHT that they ignore the TRUTH in front of them.

Put together a stack of meds info and highlighted passages in preparation for the meeting tomorrow that now won't happen. I know what I should be on and they seem to be unaware of the most obvious problems with their choices past and present. Maybe I'll drive to the nearest major city (4.5 hours away) just to get some decent treatment.