The answer to your questions is these feelings will eventually go but the menories will come back. Don't give up now you are doing so much better! It sound like everything went wrong when your father died. But I'm so proud of you for coping with that. It's not easy at all, no one said it would be this hard. But you manged to have your own life. Indepently and wise. To be honest you won't get over the fact that it happend, but just to reform you that none of this is your fault! I'm glad that your here now talking about this and trying to move on from the past...