depressedalaskan, you post many positive things here & I'm sure everyone here appreciates it - however, there's nothing to be sorry for when you describe your frustration. Just writing stuff down can be therapeutic & putting it out there can be a real comfort to others who have been/are going through the same thought processes/feelings.

Depression affects the way you think - what could be a harder thing to rationalize, to deal with & to try to resolve? That's what makes the why's so difficult & frustrating. For me, at least, one of the threads of logic that I've been able to hang onto, is being able to discover & relate to the experiences of others on places like this & from folks like yourself.

I hope you (actually, everyone) gets to feel some relief from the frustrations soon.