This is very long .. read if you have time.

Ive always had issues with myself and others since i was a child. My dad took me to the park and would leave me there for hours while he was having affairs with my mom (he told me he would run errnads, i was 6). My mom would say i was the cause of her and my dad breaking up. My older brother beat on me saying cause of me he doesnt get to have fun and things.

Now at 31 .. after years of putting things aside and not tending to them a few years back i started to feel like moving forward in life was not going to be possible. After months of being with my gf whom i couldnt stand anymore,I was about to end the relationship but discovered she was prego with our son. Which ment i couldnt leave or it would be cause of him why i wanted to leave as people would see it. Finally when he was 7 months old I could no longer take her I left .. it was ether i stayed or ended my life.

I moved with my best friend (whom was female) and while living together as only friends (she had a divorce almost a year earlier) we got hooked up, her kids and me got along and things were pretty well. However my health had been taking a turn for the worse and i was let go from my job. Which was what i needed to nudge myself into moving away from my son and his mom.

While trying to get back into gear past bills, child support, my son, my health, my mental state all seem to go down in the dumps. I started to gain weight (i was 195lbs) and suddenly didnt want to see friends anymore. I was falling deep. After trying to work a few jobs with only a few months into them i would be let go cause of my health and things. I realized my depression now had the best of me .. so i tried going to a therpiest after seeing them i was placed on some meds and tried to make a new start ... things went going anywhere.

Now im married to my best friend whom i really love and want to be with her and i love her kids. They all love me and things cept .. well theres me .. Im now 435lbs, been to a mental hospital for sucide and things. My sons mom is like baseball bat to my head and i cant stand her she has done ALOT of bad things to me. My days now are sleeping when i can and getting online tv and things i havent worked regularly in over 4 yrs im majorly overweight and ive filed for disabilty due to severe irritable bowel syndrome (had it many years but now its really out of control), depression and my back (had major surgery when i was 14 and it required a bone fusion) after over two years in this case they say im right there to be disabled but just not enough. (the disabily forms states im not able to work any past jobs, well if your a phone customer service person and a salesman whats left).

Anyhow in two months i have to come up with 4 yrs of back child support. My wife and everyone cant believe they want me to pay 508 dollars a month. I havent paid any cause i cant work and i even have proof yet the disabilty people refuse to give me disabilty (my attorney has appealed my disbaily case again and wants me to sue them) .. problem is the appeals cause is 14 months behind and the child suport people will no wait anymore.

So here i am in a life ive lost, no health insurance (case pending to which fianlly looks real good), I cant get money, im on free programs for meds and im loaded on them. My therpiest thinks i should go back to the hospital which at this point in my life im giving up ..

All i can think about is now im this rated bad dad, bad health, mental case, with a wife who tried sooo hard but knows theres nothing she can do (honey if you read this im sorry i dont say much anymore but i do know your there).

Im tired and weak now im not feeling sorry for myself but im out of options and mentally i cant handle things anymore .. if it wasnt for my wife and her kids and our cats i dont know where ill be. All i know is im not going to jail cause of my health giving out and im not going to be labeled some crap person when i have tried and tried and tried but its not good enough anymore.

So i face two months from now where i will go next .. all i can say is jail isnt going to be one of them .. a person can only take and do so much and right now i just want to not wake up .. i didnt think there was a place past crying and anger and hate and love .. i call it numbness .. blah