have put up the trigger icon, because i'm gonna mention ab*se stuff. (edit: oh look! this has turned into another essay. no need to read or respond, i think it's just a ramble with no point. dont know what im looking for, and dont need any responses. just rambling because i'm tired).

i've been seeing pdoc for 4 years now. 2 years ago i mentioned some physical stuff that had happened, but really played it down. kind of made out that it was a one-off thing. ok.

last year i admitted maybe it was a bit more than one-off thing. even went into details a bit. i am good at minimising what had happened, but i had to admit that some of that stuff would even meet my stringent criteria for what counts as 'trauma'. pdoc was... i don't know. he validated a lot of it, but the stuff that was a bit more extreme he didn't even respond to. it was like i said something, there was a pause, and then he switched the subject. i dont know if he didnt know what to say, didnt think it was appropriate to go into at the point in time, or if he didn't believe me. maybe he didn't hear me, or heard me but it didn't register. i had mentioned this stuff to my old-T around that time also, and he made it very clear that he didn't believe me (it was around this time that i started to decide he was an arsehole anyway, so i didnt think too much of it). but maybe pdoc also didnt believe me, because maybe it is a difficult thing to believe. i dont know.

this year i finally told pdoc about the csa. in one way it has been good that i have told him, but in another i am kind of... angry at him also? he has been so supportive and brilliant about it, and i could not possibly ask for more. but he also thinks that me being significantly better over the past few months is directly related to telling him about the csa. kind of like, the csa was the root of all of my problems.

i know that some people think like that, but imo, the physical stuff was a lot worse. the physical stuff was all bad, whereas the csa was at least partly good. and i never got (physically) hurt during the csa.

we haven't done any work on the csa since i told him. all he knows are the very spartan details he gleaned from me in that one session. it is ok that we haven't re-visited it - i have other things to focus on right now. but i am kind of angry at him that he keeps saying that i'm better now because i told him.

i think a part of that is because it almost minimises everything else that i am doing? yes, telling him was HUGE for me. it's been a steep learning to curve to accept that he wasn't going to reject me as a result . but i am also doing really quality work with Austin-T re: uni stuff, and the meds i'm are finally working like proper psych meds should. it makes me feel angry at myself because it's almost like... maybe i would never have even been depressed if i had just told someone this stuff years and years ago when i first started getting down. makes me feel like it's my fault for not speaking up earlier, if the 'cure' was just so simple. also makes me think i shouldn't be seeing a pdoc anymore, because if my depression is only related to past experiences, then what am i doing taking meds for it.

i dont know. i know i want to talk to pdoc about this when i see him on friday, but i'm a bit all over the place about it. i know i feel angry at him because of what he said, but it feels like the anger is disproportionate to the event, so i'm trying to get my head around what is triggering the rest also. it occurs to me that he is still probably trying to validate my telling him, still letting me know he is proud of me and ok with it and that only good things will come of it. but maybe i am angry that this didnt happen when i told him about the physical stuff. i dont like him for thinking csa is somehow 'bigger' than physical stuff. he's a poo head and i dont like him anymore.