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Originally Posted by deliquesce
i know that some people think like that, but imo, the physical stuff was a lot worse. the physical stuff was all bad, whereas the csa was at least partly good. and i never got (physically) hurt during the csa....
i dont like him for thinking csa is somehow 'bigger' than physical stuff.
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Deli, I'm not sure I understand. Are you saying that you experienced physical abuse separately from childhood events? (You had physical abuse events as an adult?) Maybe I am not sure what CSA stands for. Sorry to spell it out, but is CSA=childhood sexual abuse? If so, I'm confused by separating physical from that. Why don't you think CSA is physical? You say your pdoc thinks CSA was bigger than physical, but CSA does include physical!!! Sorry, I'm very confused.... I'm not doubting what you say, just trying to understand.
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but i am also doing really quality work with Austin-T re: uni stuff, and the meds i'm are finally working like proper psych meds should. it makes me feel angry at myself because it's almost like... maybe i would never have even been depressed if i had just told someone this stuff years and years ago when i first started getting down. makes me feel like it's my fault for not speaking up earlier, if the 'cure' was just so simple. also makes me think i shouldn't be seeing a pdoc anymore, because if my depression is only related to past experiences, then what am i doing taking meds for it.
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Why was it your fault? How were you to know what would be helpful? You're not a psychologist. Now you are learning more, since you have been in therapy for a while. You are learning what leads to healing. Don't blame yourself for not knowing that back then, deli.
Also, I don't understand why you think that past experiences can't lead to depression? Many people are depressed in part because of past life events. It is one of the most common risk factors for depression. That is a big reason why psychotherapy can help with depression. Life events (stressors) can affect our brain chemistry and that is why drugs can sometimes help. It is wonderful that you are finding a combination of meds and therapy that is now helping you beat your depression. Deli, don't beat yourself up that you didn't discover all of this sooner. It is not like there is a manual to follow that gives the step by step instructions that will help every single person with depression. We are all different, and it can take time to find the key. I was very very depressed when I went to see my first T (and I knew nothing of therapy or meds). I had heard of anti-depressants before, so I mentioned ADs to her one time, to see if she thought they might be helpful and she got so hostile to me and said she would not do therapy with me if I took ADs. I was so cowed by that, I never mentioned that again. I didn't want her to drop me. When I learned more, after I had left her, I realized her reaction was all wrong. I was angry at myself for not standing up for myself and calling her on her judgmental attitude. (I am taking some meds right now and they have been so helpful to me.) But how could I have known that at the time? Why be angry at myself for her problem? I don't know why we are always so quick to blame ourselves. Deli, you are not at fault for not knowing years ago what could help you.