{{{{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}}} I had basically the same experiences in school, not only the one where the teacher smacked me with a ruler, but everything else you mention, too. Like Darrel said previously, I was a "class-B" person.

I chose that one example because it was so classic of everything else. It enveloped all my other experiences. Darrel is right in that people are seen more as living, feeling beings now than when we were growing up; and I have more than just a few years on you two.

Even now, though, adults aren't aware of the many ways they can scar the character of a child. I see it in my own kids and I see it in public places; the way parents talk to their kids. I heard a woman tell her little boy about four "You go and go and go and never shut up! SHUT UP, ALREADY!!" He didn't cry, but I'll bet you dollars to donuts he internalized it!

Maybe I have lumped together all the experiences that you speak of. I don't necessarily resent the various people. I resent the time that I lost being angry, defensive, unmotivated, withdrawn, thought of as stuck-up while all the time I was shy and afraid to speak for fear I'd be laughed at or ridiculed; all the time I didn't make friends because people like me weren't accepted in the "in crowd."

My two examples of "forgiveness." You all tell me if that's what it is... or not.

In reference to what I posted earlier on the subject. I spoke to the youth minister of the church we went to back then about a lie that my ex-mother-in-law told my daughter. She told her that when she was a baby, I would stick her tongue with a needle when she cried, or I would clip a clothes pin to her tongue. It wasn't true and my daughter didn't believe her, but it hurt me that she would lie about me and in the process could have shaken my daughter's faith in me.

My daughter was in her teens at the time so I didn't feel quite right telling her she wasn't allowed to visit her anymore but I sure would have, had she been younger. My ex mil and I had had our rough times at the beginning but we had grown close and pretty fond of each other so I felt I needed resolution to the problem. The youth minister told me I could forgive my ex mil but it would be in my daughter's best interest if I didn't forget. My responsibility was to protect my daughter. I've been divorced from my daugher's dad for thirty years. I've had another wonderful mil but I still call my ex mil "Mom" and mean it.

The other example of what may be forgiveness is my mother's mom. She hurt me in more ways that just the sexual abuse. She manipulated my mom until my dad left her. She robbed me of my father. She didn't allow my four half-syblings to move in with us. She robbed me of my syblings and a relationship with them. She controlled my mother so thoroughly that my mother put her in first place above her husband and her child. Even after she died, she still controlled my mom through fear. She had told my mom that after she died, she was coming back to get my mom.

What I did was make up my mind that what she had done to me wasn't going to determine how I lived my life. I began by refusing to share her name. I changed the name that's on my birth certificate. Sometimes I catch myself doing things that she did, like saving seeds off the flowers I have. It's my choice to save the seeds. I'm not doing it because I thought "She saved the seeds. I should, too." or "Oh, gee. I'm saving seeds like she did. Oh YUK! Throw them away and get new plants next year!" Unfortunately, the only thing I can't shed is the illness she cursed me with; depression and anxiety. But it won't control my life like it did hers! I won't use it to manipulate others! If she was still alive today, one thing is for certain, my grandkids wouldn't go around her!!



<font color=blue>Don't die with your music still in you.</font color=blue>