I hate my mind, my moods, everything associated with this nightmare disease. I felt fine for a day and a half, then since this afternoon I could feel my mood shifting for no apparent reason. All I wanted to do was lie in bed and stare at nothing. Forced myself to do some things like clean the chinchilla cage, but it was just a method of trying to distract myself from the inevitable.

When I feel fine, I just live and do stuff, I'm not hard on myself. When I start to chemically feel bad then the critical voice comes in and says, "You've accomplished nothing with your life and this summer is no different. You were going to read books, do projects, start writing a new story or novel, take a trip and all you've done is lie around, sleep and go online. You're such a waste of space. You're defective. You will never be better. There is no cure for you. None of their treatments will work so why bother get your expectations up only to be hurt again?" On and on it goes telling me how worthless I am. I waste money on trying to improve my condition and end up feeling worse than I did when I started.

Sorry I'm so negative right now. I know it's a mood and it will pass, but I still feel like **** and like I'll never feel better for more than 5 days a month. What a bleak future. Forget my dreams. I'll be lucky to survive another year of this crippling pain. I feel like such a loser. In some ways I know I am. In others I'm not. But how can I do anything good with my life if this crap is always blindsiding me?