Note: I flagged this post as a possible trigger because I talk about one particularly bad episode from my past
Hehe T&C. It IS a different language. I just went on rambling and felt free using that language here because I know that everyone understands (not necessarily the computer language) the fact that I'm just rambling.
About therapy, I did it for a couple years, but now I think I have the tools to deal with things myself. It came to a point where it stopped being money well spent.
You see, when I'm at work or home and start rambling like that, people can tell something is up...because I'm usually very quiet. Unless I drink, then I can be quite loud/life of the party type. But that's kind of how I was all week last week, but a little on the border of things getting out of control. And yes, I think some increased anxiety was most likely because of the lamictal...though I did have some problems right before the dose increase. Got WAY too drunk on 4th of July...had a real bad couple of days of anxiety afterwards.
Actually feeling a bit anxious right now...has to be the couple beers I had earlier tonight. I over-committed myself big time last week. So this weekend I've been overloaded. During the last week I scrambled to finish 4 weeks of calculus homework and I have an exam Monday. I could have scheduled the exam later, but remember I was He-man last week. I also took on some big projects at work and between screwing around on my own little projects and doing actual work and everything else I found myself at the foot of a pretty big mountain this weekend. While I've calmed down quite a bit, I still have a good amount of drive in me. Not sleeping great but also not tired at all. I think I'm prepared pretty well for the exam and the work thing I might have to scramble on tomorrow night or the next day. But I'll get it done. I always do. (Now THAT is He-man talking)
I'm 30, am married with 2 kids and I still go to school. I have 2 degrees, a BA and an MS. I'm not bragging but it just puts things into perspective. I did all of that schooling (was also in the military- reserves, but spent time deployed overseas) was married, had kids, and bought my second house by the age of 25. I was ascending through the ranks and already almost at the level of Senior Software Engineer. I got cocky. I thought I could do anything. Right before the kids came, I had a severe panic attack and my pregnant wife had to take me to the emergency room. Even after, I still felt like I would reign supreme. Then the kids came and the crash hit. Horrible horrible depression, and dangerous behavior. The worst thing? When I was dx'd with severe depression and put on meds right away...
That made me feel even worse, and like I was a failure and could never be a good father because of my "condition". Then I got mad at myself for just having the "condition". I felt I was doing a disservice to my children because it is hereditary and they might get it. Since then, being on meds, I've had some ups and downs, but have been reasonably stable. I didn't get dx'd BP until about 3 years ago, when other p-docs had been probing me about my past and I complained how I was frustrated that I couldn't be "superman" anymore; that I felt suppressed. That's when I started the trek toward being on mood stabilizers instead of anti-D's. I was on depakote for a long time. It worked at keeping hypomania/mania completely suppressed, but it did nothing for depression. I had one severe depressive episode while on depakote and celexa (or maybe lexapro, don't remember) that I almost didn't make it through. I was having persecutory delusions and was convinced that my wife and mother in-law were plotting against me. My kids saved my life, no question about it. I simply couldn't stand the guilt of causing them to suffer over having to grow up without a father. And that was it. When I was "close to the edge" (Great Yes album by the way), that saved me. I could see how they would end up blaming themselves, and how hard it would be for them to grow up, without me there and knowing what I had done. I could not leave, because I was aware of the consequences that would fall onto them. Worse still, the note I had written pinned all the blame on their mother, and I would have left with that permanent image of hatred. Again most of that was all because of irrational suspicion from delusions. I just love my kids so much. I can't stand the thought of anything or anyone hurting them, most of all me. IT makes me tear up even now as I type it.
Other than that major episode, I have been ok, but depakote also made me gain 30 pounds, which I lost in about 4 months when I completely switched to lamictal. And I must say, I feel the most like "myself" with lamictal. I feel like the old me. Some of the drive is back (hence throwing myself back into school online)...but then it gets too high sometimes (planned on going to get a BSEE and MSEE online with a grueling schedule for 8-10 years). A couple months ago there was a downturn in my mood. I started looking at those plans and then I finally came to what I think is a reasonable conclusion. So I said to myself, "Dude. You're BP. You're going to have ups and downs. Making big commitments is probably not the best of ideas, especially when you already have so many commitments to attend to. Appreciate what you do have and just accept things for what they are. Accept yourself and the fact that you have BP. Embrace it and accept it." So...the schooling plans aren't canceled. But they have been indefinitely shelfed, and if I don't ever resume, then that is OK. I'll probably just take one more Calc course so I have a solid foundation in that area. Anything I go back to school for is going to require a foundation of 4 calculus/advanced math courses. If I have the first two done, that's a huge hurdle that will be out of the way. And in some instances, that may even be enough. I want to get into embedded systems, but what I do right now (enterprise software) is fine and I should be happy with it.
The biggest motivator and what helps to keep me grounded the most is again: my kids. They are almost 5 (they are twins) and I feel like It's all gone by in a flash. I want to share more memorable moments with them and enjoy watching them grow up. If I put my head down and charge through school or other grand projects (no doubt dealing with emotional peaks and valleys along the way), then I will completely miss all of that. And this is it. This is my one shot at it. I've got to be in "the present" to do that. Oh, and when I am up like this and have my head down charging ahead, I get angry at anything or anyone that sidetracks me. And the last thing I want is to blow up at the kids, especially when they are just being kids...and want Dad's attention.
So I'm going to continue on the path of acceptance and trying to live in the present. I still think it's good to think about the future, but damn the past. What's done is done and nothing can change that. I had real problems with that before, especially when my kids were born. That day was very traumatic for me. My wife nearly died shortly after childbirth. That's really the thing that sent me into a downward spiral. But enough is enough, that is over...it is done. No could of, would've BS, because it doesn't freaking matter. The past is the past, so f**k it. Strong language there and harsh attitude, because that's how I have to do things. My way, I need to do that and be strong about it. I'm focusing on the now, because that's all I have, and I don't want to lose that.
Oh, also...I do try to practice mindfulness (when I can), but I'm not a Buddhist. I'm not a Christian, Jew, or Satanist. Nor am I an atheist. I am ME. I have my own little subset of beliefs that belong to me and no one else. Just ME.
I don't know why I said that. It's just that I have brought up mindfulness before and I don't want people to think I'm trying to push religion on them because I'm not. That's the LAST thing I will do. I grew up catholic with constant threats of condemnation if I didn't conform. I now resent the whole thing very much. I just have found mindfulness very helpful, especially walking mediation. Soaking in the life of other living things.
Sorry for rambling again...but then am I? You guys know where I'm coming from!