thank you so much (((everyone))). you guys mean so much to me, and i'm so lucky that you care enough about me to reply also
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i'm just gonna snip bits & pieces so this post doesn't end up even more mammoth than usual (lol! deli tries to be concise
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Originally Posted by treehouse
I will say, in my experience, to my SHOCK, talking about the CSA really is what started pushing me towards feeling better. It's so crazy - I mean, I was raped when I was 19 and we talked a TON about that, I grew up in a very physically abusive, alcoholic home and we've talked about that...but it wasn't until we started dealing with the CSA that I feel like some kind of darkness has been purged from my soul. I mean, I FEEL the difference.
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i know it is a huge step for me, and i know it is an important one. it's definitely something i need to address in order to get where i want to be. i guess... though, i was starting to feel better even before i told pdoc about the csa. there was maybe a month before i told him about it where i had just started the new meds, and we were both like "wowowowow, this is a miracle drug". heck, i even went on a date with a stupid boy (first time eVeR
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maybe it comes down to... if he remembers how much the drugs help, then he'll know that part of my depression has a biological component and that it's not my fault. but if he thinks it's all due to life experience... then it is my fault? i should have done better? got out of it sooner? talked about it earlier? i think this might be the big issue for me
. gross. but thank you for replying in your drug addled state, tree!! i hope you feel better soon, darling
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this is just a side thingy, but i was raped when i was 21 too. not really a big deal (in terms of what i consider the significant events in my life), but i feel kind of bad because i didnt tell pdoc, and i had been seeing him for 2 years at that stage. it happened on a sunday and i saw pdoc on the monday. it's not something i feel i have the need to talk about, but i wouldnt mind him just knowing it as a single sentence or something. but i would feel bad telling him now, because he thinks the csa thingy is significant, and this rape thingy
really really wasn't THAT big a deal (i'm not saying it hasnt affected me - it has, but it only built on stuff that was already there) so i dont want to tell him in case he blows this one out proportion too.
it's almost like i wanna give him a list and say "ok, this is how you're allowed to think about the previous influences on my life".
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I wonder if I was focusing so much on the physical abuse stuff because it's easier to think about/deal with than then CSA?? I mean, I walked right into T's office when I started therapy and told him right away about the physical abuse...and only a few months later we talked about the rape...but it took almost 2 years to even begin to admit to the CSA. Hmmm.
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oh yeah. this is probably another part of it, too
. the physical stuff i didn't admit to for a long time, but at least i never doubted that those events actually occured (i did doubt whether they where classified as physical "stuff", but yknow - i know that x,y,z happened). the csa on the other hand... is so hazy... it is very difficult to separate out whether it was just a dream or not. did that stuff actually occur? or did i make it up? the physical stuff is easier because at least i know it happened, i guess. so it's easier to accept that it had an effect on me. the csa... who knows?
pdoc reckons it happened. i trust pdoc so i will try to pretend it happened also, maybe. but a part of me just kind of gets shocked every now and again and thinks "holy fk, deli - what kind of mess are you tying yourself up into? this stuff never happened and it is scary that you even half believe that it did". so i dont know.
ok, lol. one reply is enough of an essay. will maybe reply individually instead. bit tired though, so it might come tomorrow instead
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