You know, if I met a p-doc tomorrow who was willing to listen to me and give me something new to help all this, I'd take the prescription in an instant, so long as he or she promised to try something else if I had a bad reaction to it. Granted, I'm worn down from lack of sleep. And then, if I felt better, maybe I'd be more likely to think therapy might help me (because if I wasn't in constant agony I could probably work through some daily issues I face even when I feel somewhat normal. Maybe you know, I could learn some tools to prevent the downward spirals).

I feel pretty bad right now, but my mind is still clearer and my body stronger than when I was on Seroquel. In my family, we were always taught to tough it out, and I still kind of see it as a virtue, although I was humiliated or else rebuked for my mood disorder constantly by adults as a child. I don't cry very often, but when I do, there are a lot of years of pain backed up threatening to flood me if I'm not careful. I don't want to have a breakdown or go to a hospital, but unless I get some care soon, it's inevitable. I know myself and I know I can't take much more as strong as I am, as relentlessly as I've been fighting all this. My will to live has been diminishing over the past couple of years, and I can't even say why. Is it where I'm living? Is it my relationship? Is it feeling isolated here? Is it going back to school and the added stress? Is it having my job hours cut? All of the above?

I'm on the verge of tears if not panic attacks more and more the past couple of weeks. It feels like the world is dying around me and I'm already dead and my life never really mattered. I wish I could do something good with my life and not waste all that has been invested in me by so many people. I wish I could get control over this disease and have a positive impact. But I don't know how. I don't know who to trust or if I reach out if anyone will take my hand. Do you know what I mean?