I'm usually a reliable wordsmith. I can almost always come up with a comforting turn of phrase for a friend or a client. I can usually articulate my feelings in a non-threatening way. Right now, though, I just don't know how to make sentences that explain how I'm feeling about my life.

It's like all of this energy is stopped right in my chest and it's so heavy that I can barely breathe. I even have some nagging pain in my shoulder blades, right behind where the heaviness has settled. It feels like my neck is swelling in and compressing my throat. Nothing is physically comfortable... no position sitting or lying down.

I have too much information to process. I've been living with my tormentors since January and there's no room for denial. As I saw them for what they were/are, I've began to see myself for what I was/am/and have the potential to become. It is just so conflicting and confusing and outright depressing.

On paper, you can pick and choose what you share. So, on paper, I look great. My resume is stacked and my social calendar can be full if I so desire. Off paper, I'm a flipping basketcase. I've never been a fully reliable employee (longest job, 18 months) because at the drop of the hat, I allow my family to crush me and I withdraw from all other things in my life. For the same reason, I've never been a fully reliable friend or romantic partner.

That's the hardest part for me. I live this dual life. People see me and expect me to be the normal person my outside represents. If I looked more broken, I honestly feel I'd have an easier pass at life. I'd have fewer people disappointed in me becuase they'd never raise their expectations. I am capable of success but underneath I'm still the epitome of failure.

I support the people who do nothing but tear me down. Sure, they buy me the occasional brownie or steak or once a month, they might bring me water. They don't acknowledge my 30th birthday nor do they respect me enough not to steal from me or refrain from abusing me. I'm here and I gave up everything I worked for to be here and "help" them... but it's only cementing my dysfunction.

Am I allowed to walk away? Am I allowed to just ditch all of my past failures and start tomorrow and say, "hey, I'm this new and improved great person. I only want to be the person on paper. I don't want to be the person on paper with the extra, unprinted chapters." Am I allowed to just leave all of that negative stuff in the past?

Is it socially accepted to meet and marry a man without telling him about being beaten bloody by my mother? Am I allowed to raise children without them knowing that I once overdosed on pills because I was upset over an idiot boy who couldn't even spell? Is it possible for me to move forward in life without all of the baggage of the last 30 years?

Has anyone ever really let go and moved on from rape? from poor personal sexual choices? from physical abuse? from financial ruin? from lack of a family? from lack of solid personal relationships? from obesity? from chronic illness? Is there anyone on this earth who is honestly recovered and fully functioning now?

I don't want to be a Debbie-downer but it seems like in my experiences, the only ones who have the high functioning lifestyles are the ones who never had the plethora of nasty crap in their lives anyway. The ones who had the loving families and friends. I'm not saying their lives were perfect, not by any means, but there's a definite difference between two people who grew up in polar opposite lifestyle arrangements. Does that difference ever lessen?

I'm just beginning to doubt that I can walk away. It's not logically fair. I don't see how society would let someone just walk away from their mistakes, from their pedigree, from their destiny as pre-determined by socioeconomics, etc. I'm at the lowest of the low and I can daydream every night about the house I'll get, the car I'll get, the job I'll get... but the truth is that I'm so far away from all of those things that they are totally unlikely.

So, that's where I am right now. I'm a dang mess. A hot mess. I am so stuck and they are so dependent on me. If I pull out, go back to MY life, they will just burst out with even more horrid abuse and guilt trips and I honestly think I'm too fragile to survive that sort of acceleration in abuse. I'm too wounded after 12 months where I watched my entire life melt into their life... leaving me with nothing and them having EVERY benefit of me.

I hate myself... the only thing I like about myself right now is my potential but I just don't see how that is even realistic to consider right now. The numbers don't add up. I just don't even understand how the rest of the world sees me. It's clearly not how I think they do... because they aren't hiring me and I think I'm quite hire-able. They recruit me via phone/email with great enthusiasm and the interviews go well, by my standards, and then, I never hear from them again... responses to my emails go unanswered despite a promise of more communication. Since that's the only interaction I have to gauage the responses of others right now, I'm sort of seeing myself through the eyes of only people who think I'm not worthy. Not worthy of parental love... not worthy of a new position. I'm just not worthy.

Ok, does this win some sort of longest post ever prize? Im going to quit whining now and go find someone to support. That helps more than anything.... just connecting. Thanks for listening.