Marjan, why do you think your mother is depressed? It sounds like she is being a butthead, just like she always has been. Could you be ascribing "depression" to her to make yourself feel less guilty for not being able to stand her behavior?

It is completely understandable that your find your mother unpleasant to be around. Don't feel guilty for that.

I agree with Catherine that you need to set some boundaries. Give your mother rewards and punishments for respecting or not respecting your boundaries. Studies have shown that this reward/punishment system works very well at behavior modification, and even if she is depressed, she can learn to respect boundaries. For starters, lay down the law: she doesn't get to visit you if she does X, Y, and Z (gets angry, yells, hits you, calls you names, does hateful things--whatever you find objectionable). Make sure she understands before she comes to stay. If she slips up, give her one more chance, and if she does it again, show her the door, explaining firmly that you cannot tolerate the way she treats you, especially in your own home and that you will welcome her back when she has learned to control her behavior. Perhaps it would be good to start with a short visit at first rather than an overnight. Give her a chance to go a couple of hours without messing up so as to get some success. Her "reward" is getting to spend time with you, talk with you, share a meal, etc.

Regarding her phone conversations with you about your sister, your sister's husband, your sister's outings with her kids, etc.: tell her you do not wish to gossip any more about your sister and that if she can't say anything nice about your sister, then you'd rather not hear it. Tell her that if she disagrees with your sister's actions, she should tell her sister directly, that you personally have no control over your sister, so there is no point in telling you. Then change the topic to something neutral, like the weather, gardening, sports, etc.

If she wants to talk about your personal life and you don't, again, set a boundary. Tell her your romantic life is off limits for conversation and change the topic. Don't encourage her by asking her questions about her opinions of you and your marital status as you did here: "I told her "why?"....I don't need a guy to feed me or put shelter on my head..." That just feeds her desire to give you obnoxious advice and try to control you. Refuse to engage in these conversations. Just don't answer and change the topic. If she doesn't get the message, remind her that you are no longer talking to her about that topic.

Don't feel guilty, marjan. It is time for you to take control of the relationship with your mom and stop the abuse. She will keep on doing it if you and your siblings let her get away with it. When you were a child, you didn't have the power to do that. But you do now. Apparently, you have something she wants (she likes to visit you? she likes to talk to you?), so use that as leverage. She doesn't get those things if she behaves badly.

If you do think she is depressed, talk to her about it, and see if she knows. Ask her what she is doing about it. Encourage her to eat right, get fresh air and exercise, and sufficient sleep. Ask her if she needs help finding a counselor for therapy, or a doctor for anti-depressants.

Are you seeing a therapist, by the way? I think a therapist could provide support to you as you deal with your mom, and help you work through old "mom issues" from your childhood too. Your therapist can also help you learn to set boundaries.

Good luck. It's hard as an adult to learn for the first time to set boundaries, but it can be done. (I am still quite bad at it, but much better than a couple of years ago.)