The responses here have been very comforting. I thank you all. The episode of physically hitting myself was triggered by the revelation from the man (Ph.D. in Psychology, no less), that he had read my posts on an old forum for recovery from relationships with a Narcissist. That old relationship of three+ years ago had left me humiliated and desiring solitude. The forum was very helpful, but I had used my common user name, with which the Ph.D. was familiar since he had contacted me thru my seller site on Ebay where I also use it. When the man sent me this message at my work (art teacher) via email, I sat at school all day feeling numb and violated, then coming home to the self-hitting episode, and from thereon the images of stabbing myself in the heart. I tried to explain away much of the old posts to him, which were prior to my meeting him, but it was too late, of course, and I see clearly that after he read them, midway thru our brief, but intense association, that that was when he began to withdraw. So, I felt very flawed, while feeling he was "perfect."
I think, though, that in a loving relationship, even if I had read posts by the man with whom I was involved, if I genuinely cared for him, I would not reject him. Also, I believe that I AM entitled to express anxiety if I feel it, to question motives and intentions after my long history with dysfunctional relationships with men. Anyone is entitled to that.
The sexual intimacy between us was so good, but there were no endearments from him, and when I made loving comments afterward, they were met with silence. That was true from the start, and the source of much of my anxiety. I know I don't want that; I was married to that for 20+ years.
Seeking