did i really write all of this last night? wow. not going near a computer again when i'm tired, LOL. i think you are right fz that my censors go down.

i dont know if i can respond to everyone's posts right now. i just read over what i wrote and i'm a) surprised i actually wrote that stuff and b) really sad. it looks like there's a long way for me to go .

i dont know about the pdoc/***** thing. i want to ask him, but that makes me a bit scared. and i dont really want to know. i told pdoc a tiny bit of this stuff that first (and only) time i talked to him about it. how i used to offer to do it with other people i liked because then they would like me more. pdoc said it was understandable that i would try to "seduce" other ppl, given my experiences. he said it was almost stupid to use that word for a kid, but he didnt take it back either. he let it stand. so it follows that if i was trying to seduce other ppl (no one ever went through with it) that those times i also initiated it with the person who taught me... that i was seducing him too. so i think that makes me a *****, even if pdoc wouldn't use that word.

you're all so good and kind to me, and i dont really get why. eck - am falling into my tired & rambling mode so gonna stop here.