((((((((((((((((Deli))))))))))))))))))))

I think what you did is really normal for someone in a CSA situation.

I know that for me, I was little and really desperate for love, attention, someone to tell me I was pretty. The CSA seemed like it provided all of those things. Especially at the beginning, it felt good more than it hurt, I literally had no idea that it was "wrong", it seemed like a special secret more than anything else. Later, when it hurt, I didn't like it anymore, and it scared me, but I still was really too little to understand that it wasn't okay for other reasons besides it hurting.

When I was 5 or so, my grandma was giving me a bath and I reminded her to wash between my legs. She FREAKED OUT and said that was dirty, that she wouldn't touch me there, I had to do it myself, etc. etc. A lightbulb went on in my head, and I understood DEEP DEEP DOWN that what happened was bad, and *I* was bad, and dirty, and every other bad thing a 5 year old is capable of thinking.

I guess I'm telling you this story (which I will probably regret later, but I'll try not to delete it until after you've read it) because I want you to see, from outside the situation, that it's really normal for children to not understand that what's going on is not okay, and it's totally understandable that kids will seek out love and attention wherever and however they can get it.

You're not alone, Deli, and you're NOT a *****.