So much you put in here. Just a few things...maybe my words won't help...this is what/how I see you as a person based on what you said. I encourage you to keep working on yourself and I believe things will come together for you and you can become the great and wonderful person that you really are (as you say is on paper).

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Am I allowed to walk away? Am I allowed to just ditch all of my past failures and start tomorrow and say, "hey, I'm this new and improved great person. I only want to be the person on paper. I don't want to be the person on paper with the extra, unprinted chapters." Am I allowed to just leave all of that negative stuff in the past?

I don't think we really just walk away from our past. I think our past has shaped us who we are today, but through therapy, meds, and hard work we can become that person that is on paper (that person you want to be)

Am I allowed to raise children without them knowing that I once overdosed on pills because I was upset over an idiot boy who couldn't even spell? I believe you can raise your children to be wonderful people and your children do not need to know all the hardships in your life...since you are working on getting it all under control (unless you really want to share it with them when they are old enough to understand)

Is it possible for me to move forward in life without all of the baggage of the last 30 years? Again, you can become the person that you see on paper and that makes the baggage become less and less important.

Has anyone ever really let go and moved on from rape? I had CSA and no I don't believe you let it go, but you do have to forgive youself and know that you was not in the wrong, your rapist was.

from poor personal sexual choices? You probably made those choices
because of your rape?

from physical abuse? from lack of a family? from lack of solid personal relationships? Again probably not your fault due to all the pain and hurt you have endured...give yourself some forgivness

Is there anyone on this earth who is honestly recovered and fully functioning now? I believe any of us that are in recovery, can fully function...take a small task that you do and do very well...you do this because you are functioning...eventually I think we can get to where our lives functional correctly most of the time and possible all the time.

Maybe none of this makes sense and doesn't help you. I wish you these best though and take care. PM if you want to talk more