it's been two days since my mother once again blew me out of the water with her histrionic mind games. she has proven that she cares NOTHING for me whatsoever. it was the day after the one month anniversary of my father's death. i've not been well at all. she knew that. she did not care. she deliberately (for her own gain) sent me back into the past and danger. she once again (just like then) negated my feelings and as much as called me a liar. alot has happened in that time.

i've made THE decision. I'M DONE. she will never hurt me again. i no longer give her that power. i've taken it back. i've even written her a good-bye letter...one i'll never send because i'll have no further contact with her. it's not even hurting me this time. it's the right thing to do. the only hurt there is - is over the loss of the dream that someday, someway she might be able to care. i've given up that dream. it's over. i have purged her from my being. let true healing begin!

the baby will be fine. he will see her as often as she will get him. my daughter will be the go-between. i will give her NO reason not to be everything she can for that little man. she'll pull away from him soon enuf as she's done her children, her seven other grandchildren. i will make sure she has no cause to blame me for that.

finally, i called t about this today. i wanted validation that i wasn't doing this from a "bad place". he (and hubby) have both agreed that she has little to no conscience and i'm doing the right thing for me and ultimately for the little man (by taking care of myself). t helped me to devise plans to stay away from her and to prepare me that she will "pull out all the stops" to get to me. there can be NO CONTACT.

i feel alot of things, but i feel free mostly.

some of the children (and adults) will not understand this so i've enlisted hubby and daughter's help to watch us. i will try (with t's help) to explain to all that this is for the best.

let the healing begin. there already feels a sense of freedom inside. does that make sense?

thank you for listening.

much love,

kd