Awww, Marjan~

I know of your pain...and I'm so sorry.

Yes. You will find love again. I promise you will.
I know it is of no consolation to you now, especially how hopeless that you're feeling at present.

I remember when I felt exactly as you do right now.
I was 29, involved in a relationship with a commitment-phobic for 3 years, (he was 10 years older). We lived together. I was, for the most part, happy...thought he was too. But it seemed, the more we grew closer, the faster he sped away from me...or, from the commitment to us. He sought out reasons to condemn us, (of course, all my fault), to the point where, he began accusing me of cheating on him..which not only caught me way by surprise, but broke my heart. I was REALLY into this guy.

It got to the point where....he literally became physically abusive. Out from nowhere...One night, as a result from an arguement he was losing to....he exploded....beat me to a pulp, dragged me out onto the front lawn by my hair..and slammed the door on me...locked me out.

I had no choice but to go to the police for help. They weren't of much help..in the long run...they actually suggested that he was the victim, somehow...(men seem to stick together in some twisted ways).
Devistated by what he'd done to me, feeling vicitmized by a force who is supposed "to protect and to serve"...(LOL...yeah...right!).
Results sent me in for psychological evalutaion for a short stay in hospital, (after a stupid attempt of ending it for self...just didn't know how to cope).
Anyway.....it took me a VERY long time to overcome that.

There are many lessons I've learned from all of that, Marjan...But the one which I found most important was the fact that, after waking from that ordeal, I was given a second chance....And I began to view MY life for what it is worth. That I have something that no one else can ever have....my sense of self.
But even with that new awareness, the heartache from that loss impaired my perspective toward men, (and my hope of ever finding one deserving of me), for a VERY long time.
Once I began to be able to put that pain behind me, sure...I found another, (present hub), but even THAT has turned out not to be what is right for me.....15 years later...realizing that another mistake had been made. This time, enduring years of psychological abuse to the point that I have lost self). Yet, beneath it all, way deep inside of me, I KNOW that I WILL endure..that I will prevail..and that I MUST maintain faith..for self..that I will be happy.

Please, don't give up, Marjan. Keep your faith. You ARE important. You ARE valuable. You ARE worthy. You CAN be happy, (it will just require time). YOU have as much right to happiness as any one...Simple as that.
And, you WILL find the love worthy of YOU.

Infanite hugs to you, Marjan.
Time will provide you that which you seek, as he is seeking for you, as well....(you just aren't aware of it....YET).

I hope this has encouraged you ..even a lil....
You're in my thoughts....

Shangrala