Usually I try to get thru my days and not think about the big picture but the last few days I have been having alot of things "trigger" me and it's getting kinda hard to just focus on today.

I see my marriage getting better but it seems like it will be forever before I feel safe and content. I wonder if I will ever have the loving marriage I thought I would, that I think I deserve or that I want.

I have some good friends here but they are busy. Ones in Canada for a month, ones in America for a month (don't think I didn't try to get in that suitcase) and one is moving to Sweden in a couple weeks. My best friend here seems to be pulling away. I have hardly seen her all summer and she never calls or invites me over anymore. Maybe it's just something she is going thru. I don't know. I tried to talk to her about it a couple times but I guess I am not being clear enough and if I really say how I feel I will just end up bawling like an idiot.

It's very emotional for me becuase I have been feeling a little isolated these past 4 months cause my friends have been traveling and busy with summer activities and I rarely get a chance to be with them. My friendships I have here are very important to me.

My best friend is the hardest. She really seems gone. This is what happens. Frienships just fade away. Friends seem to get busy and I reach out but there doesn't seem to be a place for me in thier lives anymore. I don't understand it. I really care deeply for her and I don't want to lose her in my life. I thought she needed me as much as I need her but maybe not.
It's really making me sad.

Money and work is a problem. I really want to get a job and do something but I don't feel like a 9-5 is something I can handle. Mostly because of the language. I am not comfortable communicating with people in norwegian and having a real job means I am forced into some very uncomfortable situations. It scares me to think of trying to learn a new job when I have such a hard time understanding and what if I can't...what if I end up looking like a big idiot. That doesn't even include that the job market here is horrible and a norwegian would get a job before I am even considered.

I have my Mary Kay business but it scares me. I have a list of people to call to set up classes but I hear 20 no's before a yes and it's a struggle to get that far without giving up. Also I have to do that in norwegian and it's so hard on the phone to understand. I also have to get a $500 order to make any money and that means I need at least 3-4 classes in the same week. Not an easy feat when I know I will only get 3-4 yes's and they can't always revolve around my schedule.

I need to make some money. I miss being a girl. I miss clothes and girly stuff. I miss feeling like I contribute.

I have been trying to keep busy with the house but I gotta be honest and say working so hard by myself day after day is getting pretty old. It's near done so that's good but it's all the crappy detail stuff and although I am doing it, it's hard to keep motivated.

Also I am dealing with my family issues. I feel so uncared about and so sad about it. I wanted my family to just love me and care.

Like I said, I am feeling blah. Usually when I feel bad I just ask for a hug but today I really need someone to talk to. Anyone wanna go to a cafe and have a soda?

Heidu


The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin