That is a lot on your plate, to put it mildly. I have a couple of thoughts based on what you described. One is the incident in your teens has likely caused post-traumatic stress disorder, which may be why you fear you or your son will be harmed. I have that fear too when I'm triggered and although my life has probably never been truly in danger, I too was abused (in childhood) both physically and sexually, and that can feel like near death. The fear itself carries out a life of its own and does need to be dealt with in a variety of ways...usually both meds and long term therapy. There is no quick fix, unfortunately. People who were abused sometimes have the chemistry and/or hard wiring in their brain altered which makes a sense of well being very difficult to attain, hence the need for boosters just to feel "normal." Once you start feeling a little less anxious all the time, dealing with the fear with pragmatic tools you'll get in therapy (and you'll need a good one that you can trust) will help with the thoughts of death.

Second thought is both bipolar and PTSD can cause hallucinations while you're awake. Just because you hear and see things that you know aren't really there doesn't necessarily mean you're schizophrenic. Bipolar has a wide range of moods anywhere from on top of the world to bottom of the ocean. Sometimes at either end of the spectrum, especially when combined with anxiety, we do hallucinate and have psychotic symptoms. But they're not always there, which is more the case with schizophrenia when not properly medicated. You can have completely neutral days without depression or mania or seeing things. But, when your brain chemistry changes, you'll sure know it fast.

A couple of things I've heard and seen: a hateful male raspy voice telling me that and how he was going to kill me; a dark shape or figure at the end of my bed or in the hall that I feared if I closed my eyes would get me. That can make life and sleep very difficult. One of my meds knocked them out and so far they haven't returned even though I've come off of that med recently. As a child I used to hear footsteps on the street or sidewalk outside of my bedroom. It sounded like a woman in high heel shoes and it was always ominous to me, like she was coming after me.

Those are my thoughts. I hope you can get some help with friends and professionals. It's a difficult step to take, and quite often we quit due to the side effects of the meds or the process of getting the combo right being difficult. I'm still in that dilemma, but I know it's really my only option because this stuff doesn't go away on its own. That's not to make you feel bad. At least we have the hope that there are treatments possible where there weren't really any viable options except for lockup about 50-60 years ago. The state of medicine is advancing every year and I hope by the time I'm 35 or 40 they'll have a med specifically designed for the depressed phase of bipolar.

I'm here if you want to talk. Everyone else who's regular to the site is kind and cool. They really made me feel at home in the past 6 weeks or so since I first came on here.