I don't have a daughter but I do have a son who went through a defiant butthole phase from fourteen to eighteen. My son lost his step dad when I killed him in self defense and he also was witness to some of the abuse toward me in the last two years of my BF's life. So I know my son had serious issues to deal with but yet I couldn't fix him. I was struggling to fix myself.,

I totally understand what you are saying about being unable to deal with your daughter's poor behavior when you are depressed already. When my son was eighteen I wanted to smack him up side the head for his rude nasty behavior and ended up signing myself into a psych unit for five days to get away from him before I actually did hurt him. It was at that time that I decided it was time for tough love.

When I returned home I wrote a list of house rules and detailed how my son would lose privileges and video games to the consequence box when his behavior was inappropriate. He signed the contract and he did test me for a couple of weeks but he found the consequence box unpleasant.

My son is now twenty years old and he seldom is rude now. It was a difficult transition for both of us but my son needed a rude awakening.

What worked for me won't work exactly for you as your daughter is older and if I understand correctly she is not living at home now but you could still have house rules for how she treats you when she is in your home. If it were me I would probably state that if her behavior is exceptionally poor she must leave your house immediately. That was part of my son's contract. If he could not abide by my rules in my house he could leave and go to the homeless shelter. That sobered him up when he learned I was serious.

Expect your daughter to be resistant to change at first. That is human nature. People dislike change and she is getting something positive by blaming you for her problems. She is old enough to take responsibility for herself.

Yes she has had some problems in her life and life hasn't always been peachy keen. She needs to move on now.

I know you feel somewhat responsible because you have not always been the perfect mother and I can really relate to that. But I read once in a book that what we should strive for is "good enough" mothering. None of us are perfect mothers and we all make mistakes and that is natural but we don't have to be perfect mothers to raise healthy children. "Good enough" mothering represents doing our best to provide a healthy environment but acknowledging that we are imperfect. Our children don't need perfect mothers to grow. That concept has helped me with my guilt for not being there for my son after my BF died.

I hope that I have helped you in some way. As with all problem solving - try a solution and if that doesn't work try another until you find the solution that works for you.