Dear S Sue,

A child growing up in dysfunction and abuse develops a warped view of self and life. By the time one is grown the patterns are set and they still affect how a person lives. I know because I've been there.

HOWEVER, change is entirely possible. I got some help that taught me new ways to think and live. It took much time and effort and a lot of struggles, but I have changed and I am so much more than I thought. As a child I felt I deserved nothing good and I seemed to attract the bad, the sick and the abusive that was all I felt "eligible" for. I began to learn how to stop living the old patterns and to do things differently so that I could have a different life.

You do NOT deserve to be abused, no one does and You are not the negative things your family says you are. Your family knows how to manipulate you for their own sick needs, out of their own sick minds, hearts and lives. They use you instead of loving you and they are wrong.

Change is hard because as bad as the past has been it is familiar and because of that it is uncomfortable and hard to change - BUT not impossible.

To help myself I read books, went to 12 step programs at times, went to therapy and developed my spiritual life in having a relationship with God. I hung around with healthier people and began to see what health looked, felt like. It takes time and willingness.

NOW, your real question to me is "OK, now you did all this, ARE you healthy and high functioning"? The honest answer is that I am far better than I've ever been before, but I have a long way to go. I was abused physically, sexually, emotionally and spiritually for a number of years. I saw some horrors and was forced to do things that were so terrible I avoided even remembering them for almost 50 years. However, I beat out both of my sibs from this home: one is dead at age 50 and one disappeared in 1978 and never was heard from again. I am actually the one who has managed to be married for 29+ years and I have two daughters and they live functional good lives, so I managed to be a decent mom. The people who abused me programmed me to commit suicide before I ever told what happened to me and in spite of that I am still here and they are all dead now.

OK, this is rivaling your post in length, but I want you to hear that you can heal, change, improve and grow - if you are willing to pursue health and not quit even when it gets difficult. I hope you can find the willingness to do this FOR YOUR OWN SELF. You are worth it.

My pm is open to you if you would like to talk more. There are so many people here who can relate to you and will support you as you seek the health you need and want. I want it for you too.

Leslie