Thank you everyone for your support. I feel like I have been on this course since I was in undergrad. I chose my major and knew I would need post grad training to do anything in the field. Everyone told me I shouldn't have any problem getting into a PhD program. After two years of applying i only got into one masters program. I really want to do this, but if I can't then what is the point. I have been working two jobs for the last three years to make this happen. To the point of having no social life. Now it seems like it is all going to fall apart. If I don't do this then all the time and energy I've put into this is pointless. If I don't do this then I have no point to my life.

I know part of this is my need to be able to control the outcome. When I was a kid all I could do was predict all the possible outcomes so I could control what I could. Then I could believe that I could control the insanity I grew up with. I need to know all of the possible outcomes so that I can control them. I feel all out of control. I can't control all the possible outcomes because there are too many and they are too complex. I want to be able to know that things are going to be okay. But no one can tell me that.

If I don't succeed then what is the point of this? Why do I work so hard just to have this fall apart? If I don't do this I don't know what I am supposed to do with my life. It is enough of a problem that I'm always compared to my older brother who already has a PhD in a hard science and so I can't compete with that. My dad told me that if I didn't stay in school after undergrad then I would never go back (ie I'd be a big failure, because nothing I ever do is good enough). But I didn't have enough experience and know exactly what i wanted to do. I'm never good enough for everyone no matter how hard I try.

I'm probably just sounding like I'm whining. And I don't want to do that. I just feel so awful. Intellectually I know you all are right with what you say, however, emotionally I feel awful. And right now my emotions are winning over anything logical. But please if you get this far and feel like it continue posting 'cus I'm working on getting that intellectual part puffed up to convince my emotional part. Even if it sounds like I didn't listen to your other posts, I did. It's just a battle I don't seem to be winning right now.