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I have many things I should be thankful for. I mean, things could be a lot worse.
But sometimes I have these overwhelming feelings of despair that I cannot seem to shake.
I am so afraid of things that I mask with a sense of humor. I am a little overweight, I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror sometimes, and today for some reason I feel like I don't deserve anything.
My entire life has been based on justifications for myself without giving myself a real chance at being successful in anything - including an education and marriage. I've completed some hours in school, but never finished, and my ten year marriage feel apart for good last year.
I guess some might think I am feeling sorry for myself, but in my sad mind my feelings of self-worth (or lack thereof) are completely justified due to my background (grew up in a broken family, fights with mother and step-mother who seemed to despise me, was sexually assaulted in 1994, and now the recent stuff).
Like I said, things could be worse. But there are times like tonight that I get this overwhelming feeling of worthlessness and sadness, and the feeling that I don't deserve true happiness without working my *** off for it, but at the same time I feel that I'm not being fair to myself. I get upset with those who blow me off or trivialize my feelings, but then I do the same thing to myself by making jokes about what is really bothering me.
I am in therapy and am working on the self-esteem bit, but I guess I need to delve deeper into my soul about where all of this comes from.
So anyway - what do you do when you are feeling blue? And it's 1am?
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