first off i would just like to say a big big thankyou to all those that commented on my earlier posts and to the one requesting my support. its nice to know that people actually would care if i dissapeared off of the face of this earth, and that people understand the feelings that im going through.

its... odd how you can manage to summon up a little hope; go out a couple of times and not hide away in your room. and its even weirder how that can be snatched away for seemingly no reason leaving you feel emptier, tireder and even more miserable than before.

on the meds front... im still thinking about them. i really dont want to take them; i feel like theyd mess my head up even more - but i feel as though i should.
my parents think i should be forced to take them... my mum especially. in our last family session she said "well i think that depression runs through our entire family, the only difference is her incapability to cope with it and how she shows it. and she seemed fine when she was with her boyfriend..."
which i have interpreted as her basically saying that im weak and pathetic and that i dont deserve to be helped.

the means of doing so... this is gonna sound really stupid... but i bought a razor. not to definitely "use", just for an option... a way out. if i got so low that i couldnt go on any more...
its sitting in my washbag upstairs; im fairly sure that my mums seen it. i think i need to tell her but im too ashamed to.

on the food + sleep front;
couldnt get to sleep till fourish last night... i normally get a little more but i just really couldnt sleep. i kept waking up.
i ate... a small baked potato and half a cup of cheerios without milk. nothing else... at first what i thought was a picky appetite turned out to be a lack of one; the thought of sitting in front of a plate of pasta makes my stomach churn.
i look awful.
i feel like crap.
im so tired...
im such a failiure.
i dont deserve your support. i dont deserve pity. or care. many people have much harder lives. im financially secure, i dont come from a broken family..
i wish i was able to believe in religion. i wish that i could find some light at the end of the tunnel.
but i just want to be left alone. completely alone. i want it all to stop. i want the hurting to go away; its too hard. its too pointless.