I am so sad

The session started out okay. He did read my e-mail and he said that he opened himself up to wondering if HE was avoiding the CSA topic for some reason. He admitted that it is hard for him when we talk about it - his daughter is around the same age I was when it happened, and there is the whole transference thing. And he said he likes me, and it's hard to hear what happened, and how much it hurt me. I told him that I feel like I have had to fight to talk about it, and that it's hard enough to fight myself about talking about it without fighting him too. Like it feels like SUCH an uphill battle. He talked about the times he feels really open to it - like when I brought in the letter - and that those times feel sacred. But I told him that I try not to think about in my normal life, so sometimes it might not be "there" right when I walk in the room...it might come up 15 minutes into session, and I need him to be able to go there with me. So all of that was good, I guess.

He brought the white noise machine into the room from the hall at the beginning of session so the triggery voices outside the room wouldn't be so loud. That was good too.

But I don't know. I got soooooooooooooooooooooooooo drifty and couldn't "stay" in the room and I felt really dizzy and spinny and alone. I put my feet on the floor like he always tells me to, but it didn't help. I told him what was going on - my heart was racing and the room was tippy and I felt like I was going to throw up. He was like "what do you need?" and I didn't KNOW and it was frustrating.

And about 15 minutes before the end of session, I wanted him to come and sit with me, but he won't do it unless I ASK. I didn't want to ask. I just wanted him to come over. I asked him "why won't you come over unless I ask" and he said something about being care - ful. I hate when he says that. And we talked about it a little. I said that he wants me to do everything at once - know how to stay present without any help, be willing to work hard to talk about how I heard what he said and to reconnect, ask to have my needs met. I just wanted him to give me a BREAK. To give me something he KNEW I needed without me saying the words.

I told him I just want him to meet my needs sometimes without me having to come out and ask. He asked when that didn't happen for me in the past. I told him it never happened for me. And he nodded and said that's what good parents are supposed to do. And it opened up this giant, yawning, empty, PAINFUL hole in me and made me cry. And then session was over.

Maybe that's how therapy is supposed to go. Maybe T is supposed to make us feel this big pain and then leave us to deal with it. I thought (and T told me) that part of therapy was getting kind of a re-do...to have things turn out differently than it did in the past. But it didn't turn out differently. It just left me with this big, empty PAIN inside. I wrote him a check, and left, crying, without saying anything. He called "see you Tuesday" as I walked out.

I don't know what I'm doing I'm not calling him for a message, so he won't leave one. It just seems pointless. Everything seems pointless. It just feels like so, so, so, SO much hard work, for nothing sometimes.

T talked about how hard this summer has been because the CSA stuff came up at the same time as our endless cycle of breaks and vacation. So there is this constant cycle of working hard to reconnect, to feel safe enough to go back to the CSA stuff, to delve into it, and then to have another break and have to do the whole thing again. I just don't feel like I can DO it anymore.

And it makes me sad and frustrated because T is the one who came up with us sitting together as a way to connect. It always works. And it's been so hard to connect and break and connect and break and I just needed him to give me that one thing - after I had worked REALLY HARD to tell him why things are hard, and how I heard him on Tuesday, and what that brought up for me, and evertyhing - and he wouldn't give it to me.

I don't even want to go back