Ugh, I am SO unhappy. I am just so so sad, and have been on the verge of tears since my appt. I had to come home and do homeschool with my boys, so we did that, but I was feeling so impatient with them. I don't want to be lost in my bad feelings and not be a good mom

So, I did leave a message for T. Blah - I kind of hate that I did it, and I really just did it hoping that SOMETHING he would say would make me feel a little better. We'll see.

I told him how hard this summer has been. I decided on May 1 to try to stop using any bad coping skills, and I've done really well, but it's been hard. That, by itself, would have made it a really hard summer. And then throw in this CSA crap (that is making me physically SICK today) and all of the disconnect with T and I'm just WORN OUT and sad and I almost feel like I can't go ON with therapy anymore. It's just too hard, and I'm too weak, or stupid, or something, to DO it. I just can't do it. I can't.

And I told T that I know the CSA wouldn't have happened if my parents had been paying attention ("meeting my needs"), and that makes me feel...I don't even have words for it. And if my mom hadn't been beating the **** out of me and threatening to kill me if I told, maybe I would have been able to tell someone about the CSA. I was even taken to the DOCTOR and had an EXAM (like when you go to the gyno) and I was FOUR OR FIVE YEARS OLD and STILL NOTHING WAS DONE. WTF?

So, I am sick of not having my needs met. I'm sick that it happened when I was little, and I'm sick of it now. I ask, ask, ask, ask ALL the time in T, and he really is awesome and gives me almost anything I ask for and I know I'm really lucky. But I just want something TO BE EASY FOR A MINUTE. I just wanted that one thing.