hi personaldemons, welcome to PC

I have felt that way about my depression too; when it was at its worst, I was sure of only two things in my life: that I was going to die, and that when it happened, it would be at my own hand. It's a terrifying thing to consider.

Then I read a book called Sunbathing In The Rain by Gwyneth Lewis that really helped turn things around. In it she says, "Even though depression's hell to go through, try to remember that although it hurts, it actually can't harm you... I repeat: depression itself can't harm you, only what you do about it can." I don't know how many times a day I repeated that to myself, that my depression couldn't harm me, that my actions were in fact my own and that I could stay safe. It's what's kept me alive. I can consider suicide but in the end, it's not someone else's hand that would harm me, it's my own, and I have as much control over that as I ever have. There is no phantom limb that is going to come at me in the night. I realized then that before I ever attempted to take my own life, there were things I could do to stop myself. I promised myself that the moment I found myself in a situation where it looked like I was about to hurt myself, I'd get myself to the emergency room first, I'd call my T, I'd call a friend, I'd do ANYTHING, because I do indeed have that power, and so do you. Depression isn't a death sentence, you can make it through this.