thanks, everyone, for all of your support. it really does help.
im supposed to have private sessions too but i normally end up trying to not go in alone.. i hate talking, i hate telling people about my thoughts or wanting to end my life or how i feel or this sickness - its something im utterly ashamed of.
im making myself eat at least one full meal a day - whether thats healthy or not, i dont know, but it seems that if i didnt i just wouldnt eat.
i feel... terrible right now. one of my lowest lows. i keep thinking but those pills... and then reallising that theyre out of my reach. and getting frustrated and desperate and angry and confused. its... fd up. really... you kinda cant stop yourself from thinking BUT IT COULD ALL BE OVER... THE HURTING COULD STOP IN A MATTER OF MINUTES.
and then you feel ashamed and horrible for thinking like that... but then you start to find more ways that you could do it, more ways out. at least i cant hang myself; i think a suicide committed in my room would be easiest to do without thought.
god, im morbid..
it doesnt seem to occur to me that what im typing is actually being said, that it could be read, people could know. its a way of saying what i desperately want to that i can do... just because i know that its private.
a guy on here posted saying that he thinks suicide is inevetable and... i only just reallised that im not the only one that kinda feels like this. its like i just "know" that when i die, it will be by my own hand.. because lifes stresses and strains are too much for me... life is.. too hard.
ive kinda given up with my parents, with how i look... whatever. visiting a poorly relative in hospital tomorrow and a) dreading going and being outside and b) dreading having to talk to people, not being able to hide, not being able to get out. it sounds stupid but the thought of being in a room full of people is terrifying right now...
was told by someone that doesnt know of my depression that im very "judgemental and self pitiful." call me stupid but what is self pity? feeling cruddy? not taking care of yourself? "moping" and doing very little?
well their words have... no effect on me any more. it was over the internet obviously, i avoid going out and seeing people at all costs but i honestly couldnt summon the energy to care; it wasnt anything that i didnt know anyway.
i lost my virginity yesterday... and i dont really know what to feel about it. i dont really care... which probably sounds whorish. or like i fd up. or just plain stupid.
its horrible to look back and reallise how little you now care about anything.
and about the sleep thing... theres nothing that they can do. i can take nightol but im choosing not to... an overdose of that can require a hospital visit and i actually dont want to trust myself where that is concerned... i should probably also do the hot bath/ drink thing before bed too but i just dont have the energy.
thankyou, everyone. i hope that those of you that are also suffering will see the light at the end of the tunnel soon.
x