marjan, it sounds like you have tried to set some boundaries with your mother by telling her that she can't talk that way with you, etc. But when she ignores the boundaries you have tried to set, you do nothing. There are no consequences for her to ignoring your boundaries, so she does what she wants. If she breaks your rules, she has to have a negative consequence, or else she will continue to walk all over you and make your life hell. Try to make very clear to her the boundary you are setting and the consequence for not following it. Perhaps just start with one thing (e.g. she is not allowed to badmouth your sister to you). If she starts doing it, interrupt her immediately and remind her about the boundary. If she persists, carry out the consequence (hang up the phone, show her out the door--whatever you have established). Be firm with her, marjan, or you will see no improvement at all in her behavior.
If you want to see any progress, you can't let things like "I feel guilty" stand in your way. Do you want to be held hostage by her abusive behavior forever? Which is stronger in you, the desire to not be abused by her or your wish to not feel guilty? When you are ready to chose the first one, then you will be ready to set consequences. If your desire to avoid guilt or a desire to be "respectful" (respectful = tolerating abuse?) is holding you back, I think you are going to be stuck with her mistreatment for a long time.
Quote:
|
My dad was suppose to come and visit us....now she made him against of us and he's not comming....I miss my dad so much and he's 70 years old with heart problem....he's so kind
|
Don't let your mother interfere with your relationship with your father. After your mother has left, invite your father to come for a visit. Your father doesn't want to cross paths with your mother anyway, so why can't he come?
Quote:
|
I do have close friendship with some of my nieces. That was one of the boundries that I set. She doesn't want me to talk to them!
|
TS
Quote:
|
They have taught us if we don't follow and respect our parents, then we go to hell directly
|
Do you believe that? Sounds kind of self-serving to me. You're an adult now--can you see through this?
Quote:
|
then I had this guilt feelings of being selfish to not want being with her. when I went to the class and I saw my ex-bf flirting with a new girl and I think she was more than a new girl. So, then I thought probably my mom is not happy with me that's why I'm having a bad time here in the class! <snip> Always, when something bad has happened to any of us (my sisters and I). My mom would say that "oh...because I was so mad at you that's why this thing has happened to you!!!!
|
Sounds like you have identified your own "magical thinking"--good job. Remember, you are an adult now, you don't have to continue to subscribe to your mother's warped thinking. Don't you think that she told you those fairy tales in part to have control over you?
Quote:
|
Oh, I told her so many times that if she disagrees with them, she should tell them directly....but my mom is getting pissed and starts making our life like a total hell
|
She does that because you let her. If there are no consequences to her actions, she is not going to suddenly change on her own one day.
Marjan, I hope you can find the teeth to start holding your mother accountable for her actions. If you need a therapist's help to be able to do this, then go for it! I have found having a therapist in my life has been so helpful in many ways, including learning to set and maintain boundaries.
Don't give up. You deserve a life free of abuse.